Letter 10
17/1/92
Dear A
What’s on the end of the stick Vic? Yes, what is? We shall never know, personally I believe it is a picture of that well known celebrity; Judith Grant.
You’ll probably think we’re crazy, but S.H and I think VIC REEVES is really sexy and v.good looking. No joke, I rrreeealllly dig him. Did U C ‘ver’ Big Night Out last night? it were really good: Wavy Davy, The Stotts, The Ponderers, Les, Graham Lister etc were on, but! (shock horror) the forever friends bunny was not!!! Aaagggghhhh!
Anyway, I’m just recording The Queen CD 4 U. 7.13pm on a Friday night. Hey! some greet ‘n’ grrooooovvvy ‘televisual feasts’ to come: Corrie St, Grace and Favour, that crappy You’ve Been Framed type thing ‘n’ Vicky Wood!!!
Something to put you off ever mentioning the name Mr Kipling: Mr Strickland was telling us about a holiday job whence as a lad of 19 he worked in the Mr Kipling factory – on ‘t’Fondant Fancies (yum, you’ll be thinking…hold your horses) He said people used to spit, snot and put finger nails in the cream. Yum yum yum. That, I believe. However, I do not believe what he said they used to put in the chocolate icing! (clue: it’s the same colour!) Very tasteful I’m sure you’ll agree.
I’ll be back later, bye!
7.46pm
Yes it’s me, I’m back. Well I haven’t much news 2 tell ya, I did give K.R a ‘woooh’ she laughed and returned the ‘woooh’ !
Hmmm as per an excitement free weekend, most probably go down town and do homework 2morra and jus’ ‘slop around’ on Sunday. I would watch ‘Vic Reeves’ but I lent my video to S.M
Absolutely zilch happening at school (is there ever). I got 4 more pen pals:
Katie – USA
David – Ireland
Delia – Italy
Marta – N.Zealand
Some girl (R.P) was apparently ‘pissed’ at school today, it was really funny. Apparently she’d drunk 1/2 a bottle of vodka. She was being really weeeeiiiird ‘n’giving everyone ‘Joe’ type huge smiles in French, at breaktime she fell over. Next lesson she had was trampolining, bet that were a laugh!
8.20pm: Not bothering with ‘Grace and Favour’, its shite. Instead watching ‘Watching’, just as crap.
Trying to read some more ‘intellectual’ books after sampling the delights of the marvellous, moving and exciting thrills of ‘Are you being served’, I’ve just started on ‘Cider With Rosie’ – sharp contrast or what?
Sorry, me handwriting is a bit crap, it goes like that when I use eine biro. God this letter’s fascinating, but I really have NO NEWS whatsoever.
‘Neighbours’ is rather mongy really. Chockful of mongs like Cody, Eric, Hadge and Marold etc. Also a rather monglike affair is this ‘Caught in the act’ programme I’m watching (The ‘You’ve been framed’ type thing) very mongy – full ‘o’mongz.
Next Monday is going to be fantabulous: we’re having our tetanus and polio thingy, HELP ME!!!!
I expect the card from Zoe was one of those mong-type ones made out of paper – lovely
(on the next page is something that is bizarre and shameful….I have drawn a ‘person’ and it is a guide to How to spot a mong. Apparently this could be distinguished by:
– Naturally curly greasy brown hair
– NHS glasses
– Loony grin and buck teeth
– Treasured B.O smelling Inspector Gadget T-shirt
– shapeless grey bagaway Poundstretcher troosers
– trousers too short revealing white towelling sox
– black boots
Jesus. Wept)
Sat 18/1/92
Just viewed ‘Going Live’ with the monginess that is Phillip Schofield, I suppose you know he’s going to take over after Jason, every second second in ‘Going Live’ he makes some booorrrriiinnng reference to ‘Joseph…’. What a mong.
Enough of this mongish letter, I think it is the crappest letter I’ve written in ages. Sorry, I’m sure you’ll forgive me.
“See ya” (in the words of Wavy Davy)
Love Rachel
(also included is a postcard of Madonna – inscribed with: Hiya, you just wouldn’t let it lie! I mean a whole letter and you just had to mention the dippy duo, you just would not let it lie! You lying get! See ya)
Commentary:
Written on A4 lined paper in green biro. White envelope adorned with stickers and ink stamps. And, bizarrely ‘letter to follow’ (?)
Yes…a very strange letter from me. Peppered with numerous Vic Reeves references and worryingly an obsession with the word mong. But, as the run down of what I was enduring on T.V that Friday night demonstrates: I was extremely bored!
Letter 11
24/1/92
Dear A
You would not BELIEVE what’s been goin’ on in the back round there! There was Esther and Kevin from That’s Life counting up the number of peas in a tin of pean and ham soup, to see if they would make a nice necklace. And later on we’ll be hearing from two whelks who have just joined Deacon Blue.
Yep, Vic Reeves reigns supreme!!!!! Goooooooorrrrrrrrrgggggeoussss! GOOOORRRGGGGEEEOOOUSS! (if you didn’t see it 23/1 you won’t know what the f*** ‘gorgeous’ refers to, but if you did: Ayres Rock looks nice!)
Actually, I thought the thing about Mr Kipling was rather amusing, but then I have got a rather disgusting mind.
Yet another booooorrrrriiiinnnng week at Ricky Aldy. On Monday ve haben our tetanus jab and our polio drops, I really wasn’t that bothered about the jab. But after queing (I can’t spell) for ages I must’ve gotten really wound up coz I totally freaked out, nearly fainted and had to lie down for 10 minutes! How embarrassing – But I missed most of physics!
Jus’ watching Vicky Wood. V.funny! Now she’s singing a sing ‘avec’ a mong (I’m a poet and I don’t know it).
Mum mentioned something about a fondue party (ey -wait oop, this pen is mucking me around…) I hope it wasn’t the social disaster as parodied by Casper Jarrott,
Jus’ listening 2 a tape. D’ya like Genesis ‘I Can’t Dance’ ? well good. The video is grrreat an’ all.
I’ve just been perusing through all your old Looks magazines, well funny! some of things people wore: Flourescents, bum bags, wappers, dungarees HA HA!
See ya! (also in the words of Wavy Davy) I’m off to watch Whose Line is it Anyway? Bye!
25/1/92
1.04pm
‘ello! Went to town aujourd’hui ‘n’ got a brown t-shirt for £3 instead of £7 from River Island. Also, tried on some black jeans in Top Shop which were a measly £18, reduced. I tried on a Size 12 which I was pleased to discover were infact too big. I was not pleased to discover they hadn’t any Size 10s. Hmmmm. Another purchase was a new Pete Johnson book which looks really good. We also went to the library following the mong Handbag Pete up the stairs! Worra mong!
Ooh yeh! Yesterday whilst in Sainsbury’s I saw Mrs Henze – did I ever tell you she’s left Ricky Aldy? I don’t believe I did.
Later on Mum is going to London to see Aspects of Love, as I’m sure you already know. So it’ll be just me from 3.30-7pm as Dad is in Clacton. Ne-mind I have a gourmet meal consisting of a frozen ready meal (Sainsbury’s sweet and sour Quorn) and a Crème Egg, plus Baywatch, Blind Date and That’s Life to enjoy!
I’ll write again 2-morra! Bye!
wayhey! don’t get toooooo excited as you turn ze page
(stuck to the page is a floral patterned piece of loo roll and written underneath – Yep! there’s a pattern on the bog roll, now now calm down!)
26/1/92
‘Ello! By the way – do the Queen cassette and the enclosed beverages make up for the £1 I owe you? It’s now 1.01pm since I spoke with you on ze ‘phone I’ve scoffed me lunch and re-organized my notice boards, taking away postcards from last summer and adding some gorgeous pix of Christian Slater and Keanu Reeves. Speaking of Keanu I haven’t managed to go and see “Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey” (which is his latest film) oh well naturally a cutting about Vic Reeve is also a new edition.
“Oh Mr Songwriter!!! write me a groooovy and gorgeous and ‘crucial’ song like Fall at your feet (by Crowded House) make it a good song so I can listen to it on my stereo”
‘Eye oop ‘Eye down! It’s a month since Crimbo. I can’t believe it! can ye? I think I’ve lost my knack at writing good letters somewhere along the line, n’est ce pas? I forced Mum into buying some Nagmolia liquid soap for the downstairs bog. She obliged! I feel suicidal!
Bye, I must go.
Arriverderci + ciao + au revior + adios + piss off
Bye Rachel xxxxx
COMMENTARY:
Cream paper plus one sheet torn out of a lined jotter. Grey envelope adorned with stickers and ink stamps plus a biro drawn rosette: A Reeves & Mortimer production.
Sender proposes to be Rachbucket Rentamong.
I genuinely had a LOL at the description of my crazy Saturday night in. Crème Egg, a ready meal and friggin’ Baywatch. The patterned toilet paper was, I believe, a reference to a Vicky Wood sketch about The Brits and how we get excited if we have a pattern on our kitchen roll.
Letter 12
1/2/92
Dear Mong,
Hiyah!!! oooh you bugger! you wouldn’t let it llloooyyye! Did they do it with pick-axes or their bare ‘ands? I hope you watched Vic Reeves on Thursday otherwise yous won’t know worrimean?????!!!?????!!!????!! (?)
Not much has happened since I last wrote 2 U, let me think…dur, um…nothing way exciting occurred this week. My new coat got rather dirtied when M.M decided she didn’t want her Munch Bunch Billy Blackberry yoghurt-jelly-thingymejig so she flicked a spoonful at S.H and at M.M, unfortunately S.H decided to wipe his skanky jacket on mine, thus skanking mine, its also got a circular mark on it where K.R thought it would be really hilarious to stick my coat to a chair a few weeks ago (yeh, really fooonnny!)
This paper is too nice to write on.
Today we went to Reading, firstly we went to the crappiness that is Basingstoke Town Centre, there was a stall (Placed outside Salisbury’s) selling toys, badges and T-shirts about anti-vivisection, banning bloodsports etc. I bought a ‘ban bloodsports’ badge for a reasonable 35p and put my 15p change in the donations box. There were also ‘sabs’ (saboteurs, if you’re not au fait with animal rights lingo) something I’d love to be, did you say Karen was a sab or am I imagining fingz? Apart from being ‘done away’ with a la Kerry Bishop it’d be well good to be a sab. Actually one of them looked like this (crude drawing)doesn’t she live next door to the Redstalls? I think she’s the one with the sheep.
Anyway, we went to Reading on the 10.35 train, and went to the Heelas department store. I had planned to get a Naf Naf notebook and folder but they didn’t have any! I ‘ad to settle for a Ton Sur Ton folder instead, rather dudy and another trendy French clothes make to boot. We were gonna have luncheon at BHS, but decided it were rather crappy so went to… Hold your excitement… NORDSEE! (where fried fish is more fun) and scoffed a ‘Bremer’ – a poppy seed roll containing a cold fishcake, lettuce, fried onions and ketchup (sounds gross but it was scrumdidliumptious!!!) I also got some Sock Shop socks and a ring from that really cheap jooolry thing (down the side street) we got back to Reading station at about 2.20pm just missed a train and had to wait for the 2.50pm, unfortunately a selection of immature mongs aged 12-15 from our school (the shame) were dossing about the platform smoking a pipe (it looked bloody pathetic, I might tell them) and ‘fags’ and climbing all over the joint ’til some British Rail employer told them to ‘Get the f*** out!’ – stooopid mongs. 2 of them are in my drama group. Thankfully they didn’t get in our compartment. Naturally they wanted a ‘fumeur’ and not a ‘non fumeur’ compartment. We arrived back in Bazza about 3.15pm, Dad picked us up at 3.45pm. I got ‘ome scoffed some Oatsters, Diet Sprite and a Miklybar and read your letter. And we went back to town at 4.30-5.15pm to get a teapot! Its now 8.50pm and I’m watching ‘It’ll be alright on the night’. 4 crappy progs on tonight:
Baywatch – a bit crap
Blind Date – embarrassingly crap
It’ll be… – repeatedly crap
That’s Life – joooost crap
Better go ’til tomorrow!
2/2/92
It’s 11.06am on a foggy Sunday morning and Capital Radio are doing ‘3 from 1’ which means 3 tracks from 1 artist. Today it’s A-ha. They’ve played Take On Me and Manhattan Skyline has just begun. I’ll enlighten you on the third track in a minute. Mum is making peanut stroganoff and I’ve just made a yumbo dessert consisting of crushed digestives, tinned strawberries and strawberry fruit mousse (made with strawberry juice instead of water) Yummmeee.
Oh yeh, you must listen one Saturday at least to ‘Intimate Contact with Julian Clarey’ which is from 10-11pm, it’s very pervy, very sarky, very weird! Oh yes, You are the one completes the thing on’t’radio. I’ve now changed the station to Atlantic 252 coz they’re playing Everybody Everybody by Black Box which reminds me of Italy 1990 coz they always bloody played it dans l’albergo (oooh er lapsed into French/Italian there). Answer to your question, Italian is getting on ok. The annoying thing is lots of people skive, so when they finally decide to come back we have to go over the work we’ve already done and since they’re sooooo fick they don’t get it the first time and we have to do it x 1000000 til they do!!! The guilty pair are L.R and E.C (whom we saw that time in Potters Walk before Crimbo). I HATE E.C but L.R is really nice, like me, an extremely MAD VIC fan, another E E.M at Italian also likes Vic AND the lucky bitch went to see Vic Reeves Big Night Out live last year. We said if, he probably won’t, he does another live show some time we’ll go and see it! triffic! cosmic! ‘ope you’ve been watching Only Fools and Horses lately? funny, very funny. I ain’t been watching Fry & Laurie. I don’t like them I’m afraid. One of them’s fat and stupid and the other is ‘ok yah public schooly’ I HATE ‘EM!!! I much prefer VIC REEVES!
I recorded ‘Cocktail’. I shouldn’t think I’ll get to watch it for ages.
Change of pen methinks as this one has gone all funny. That’s better, now maybe I’ll a bit neater. Though it’s hardly advisable to write a good letter sitting on the floor, leaning on a notebook surrounded in a sea of stationery and listening to a very mellow, slow n groovy Simply Red tune on’t’das radio.
May go to the cinema next Sunday, but I don’t know what to see. Either: Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey (starring Keanu Reeves and Alex Winter) JFK (with Kevin Costner) My Girl (Macauley Culkin) or Blame it on the Bellboy (Patsy Kensit and Dudley Moore). We shall see…
I shouldn’t think K.R has bothered 2 write 2 u yet! Yesterday I spotted the Holbrook clan in Etams. Yes, Mrs ‘It’s 25 to’, they didn’t see us.
I’ll finish this at another time and another dimension!
Bye.
2/2/92 1.56pm
Hiyah! I’m back again, I’ve just done some really exciting I.T project work. It were great fun!
I’m back again. I just pressed the wrong knob on my stereo and had to re-tune all my 24 pre-set radio channels: oh the agony! V.annoying considering I did the very same deed last night and tuned ’em all in again last night! May be seeing K.R later, such an exciting life I lead! As regards to your chocolate drinks, they’ll be brought next week when we arrive! You can send your next letter or give it to me personally. The choice is yours.
Adios, Adidas, Au Revoir, Auf Wiedersehen (pet), Arriverderci and Goodnight!
Love, A Mong XXX
COMMENTARY:
Written on various pieces of pastel writing paper and in a Forever Friends envelope with ink stamps on. Also written “Hello Hello Mr Royal Mail Man” and “Contains no preservative, flavourings, colourings or freebies”.
Oh dear, where to start with this one. The trip to Reading was obviously a high point that warranted so much detail! I was obsessed with the label Naf Naf and spent all my pocket money on either the clothing or the stationery range. Odd, as I am not really into labels now. ‘Nordsee’ was a real blast from the past. There are still branches in Vienna. I did have a brief flirtation with being a ‘Sab’ – one which Mum sensibly vetoed.
I wasn’t wrong about not watching Cocktail for ages. I first saw it in Autumn 2009 whilst on holiday in Thailand.
Quite ashamed to see my distaste for Fry & Laurie immortalised in this way… I don’t think they were that bad! Also, the fickleness of youth: one week I was all over watching ‘Baywatch’ by the next letter it was branded as ‘crap’.
yousaythatnow 