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160 Letter 13

8th February 1992

Dear A,

Hiyah! You would not beliiiiiiiiieeeeeeevvvveeeee what’s been going on around here!

Well you would actually! Since we got back from our groovesome day out (3 hours ago) we’ve been watching ‘Blind Date’ ( a repeat! Hmph!), then Mum watched some crappo BBC2 prog whilst I listened to a tape and started a letter to T.G

Now I’m quaffing a mixture of ruby red grapefruit juice and orange juice whilst viewing (ahem…) ‘That’s Life’  Goorrrrgggeeeeooouss!

Mmm still thinking of that gorrrrgggeeeeoooouuss Haagen Daz ice cream (this can be possibly be spelled wrong, but nemind).

Re the Vic & Bob poster: it does sound rather splendid, but I dooooo make exceedingly good cakes, whoops, gone a bit WEEEIIIIRRRD there!  What I meant to say was, I think £6 for a poster is a bit steep, even if it does feature SEXY Vic and Bob zippin’ around on a lean mean motorbike machine! Besides, there’s no room on’t’my wall! Ah well!

Only another 24 minutes ’til Julian Clarey on Radio One.

Thanx for the freebies.  The paper is nice.  Unfortunately the cat’s tail fell off!!!

I’ve filled out the Paper Tiger order form to get A5 seal paper and envelopes and a hippo mini-design note pad. Looovvvelly!

I’ve tried out the coloured inks, they’re right good! I will have to try and remember to put them on this letter somewhere.

Aye well, best go.  Grape Nuts tomorrow! I’ll write a domain! Bye.

9th February 1992 (12.16pm)

Ello again! Just got me fingers all grubby delving into a sack of rubbish in search of The Gazette, only to find it was only shitty old Rab.C.Nesbitt at the Hexagon! Bumyug!

I’ve also dashed off some rather hasty (but not tasty) maths project work. V.boring.

Posted t’ Paper Tiger thingymejig earlier.  I hope the goods come up to standard and bloody well arrive soon! (Though I must say they did arrive fairly speedily to you.)

K.R has just knocked for me.  Unfortunately due to maths project, history essay, French, I.T, Italian, a Spurs match on TV, hair washing, tidying, ‘You’ve Been Framed’, ‘Darling Buds of May’ and ‘One Foot in the Grave’; I can’t see her today!

I was extremely annoyed not to meet either of The Dippy Duo yesterday.  I can’t remember which one I haven’t met, but next time I come down I’ll be demanding an introduction, also maybe a meet with Gorgeous Gideon?

Lunch is gonna be late today coz of Sainsbury’s shopping. Hmmph.  I ain’t even read the Sunday ‘maggos’ yet due to the shitey maths project!

By ze vay, I saw a Judith Grant lookalike yesterday at Salisbury station.  Her hood wasn’t up but she had a tasty knitted hat on instead. I nearly , very nearly, gandered up and enquired if she had farted into a goblet lately? But didn’t.

Well, well must dash, luncheon will be ready (we’re going to a chic new restaurant called “Simon’s” I’m having the set menu #3 comprising of:

Starter: semolina and avocado

Main Course: Pop Larkin

Middleybit: Spaghetti vindaloo

Dessert: Joo Dith Granty

Drinky: Tap water

Yummmeee!  Better go before someone snaffles me vindaloo (and that could be painful!)

9pm

‘Ello (again) Just a quick note to say lunch at Simon’s woz fabbo!! I’ll either finish this letter tonight or tomorrow night! Bye!

9th February 1992 (again) 9pm

‘Ello (again) just viewed ‘The Darling Buds of May’, complete tripe. A feeble story line and the twins and Victoria are extremely nauseating, since reading ‘The Pop Larkin Chronicles’ I find the programme horrendous, cringeworthy, vile, unrealistic and really crappy! But…I still watch it!

‘Ang on I’ll be back (said Arnie Schwarzenegger) after ‘One Foot in the Grave’.
‘Ello again (9.53pm) ‘One Foot in the Grave’ was a bit weird to say the least.
Aaarrghhh, school tomorrow: Double physics, I.T, maths, history and English. Then – Italian. Hooray!

I spoke to T.G earlier, she was relating her and her Dad’s first Step Aerobics session, she said her Dad has no co-ordination whatsoever, when 29 people are going one way; her Dad will be going the other. It reminds me of yoga on Thursday, watching some of the ‘amateurs’ attempt the Lotus position (the one where you fold your legs up, ooh err) there were legs and bums all over the shop (most rum – and not a gonk’s bare bum in sight).

Take care and write soon, Love Rach

COMMENTARY:
Written on turquoise paper with a blue envelope adorned with stickers, drawings and stamps. Also stuck at the bottom of the letter was a cutting from The Gazette (as referenced earlier) for The Hexagon in Reading touting: Dave Willets (I’ve written Who?), Lorna Luft and Wayne Sleep (ditto), Kevin ‘Bloody’ Wilson (I’ve written Ooh er at the ‘Adults only’ rating), Rab C Nesbitt , Mike Harding (????), Klaus Wunderlich (again gets a Who?), Freddie Starr (He ate my hamster), Jim Davidson (!?), Rob Newman & David Baddiel and finally Jesus Christ Superstar with Paul Nicholas (who I’ve branded as a mong.) This made me LOL quite a bit. The eagle-eyed among you probably will have twigged that ‘Simon’s’ was of course a fictitious restaurant and again a reference to an in-joke. We wrote an entire menu once of bizarre and unappetising dishes, for the hell of it. Bored – much? Someone at work recently mused on what people did before the internet. I think I had the past times…!

Letter 14
16th February 1992

Dear A,

Well, I hope you have your sunglasses on to read my letter in this wacky, tacky, lurid, bright, luminous, neon, fluorescent, gaudy and colourful stationery! I got it in Watford yesterday.

I am disgusted with your choice of envelope! It was the sort of envelope that may’ve contained a VALENTINE’S CARD! It really got my hopes up! Actually I got 5! (from my friends!).

I’m pissed off! It’s been a week and I ain’t received my ‘Paper Tiger’ stuff! No fair! But whence forth it arrives I shall be writing 2 u upon it!

I shall now tell you about my weekend. I got to T.G’s Friday night at about 7.45pm. The traffic down was terrible! It took an hour longer than usual. Didn’t do much that night.

On the Saturday morning we went to the sports/leisure club they belong to. T.G and her Dad to do aerobics (re my last letter) and her Mum and I to swim. We had lunch there (but the ruddy frozen yoghurt machine was out of order). Then T.G and I went shopping in Watford whilst her parents went to nearby Amersham to get a Camcorder (that reminds me: You’ve Been Framed is on in a minute.)

I got the gooorrrgggeous paper there. There are some really nice shops there, well, they’re nice ‘cause they sell Naf-Naf stationery.

A.G picked us up at about 4pm and took us back, we then played on the computer, fought with him and watched ‘Baywatch’.

We then had dinner and watched T.V. At about 8.15 her Dad decided to phone the cinema at St Albans to see what was on: My Girl and Blame it on the Bellboy. My Girl was scheduled for 8.20, film starting at 8.40 so we pegged it up there 90 mph, parked then ran to the cinema and got into the film just as it was starting. It was great, but really sad and I cried (It was rather ruined though by the Macauley Culkin Appreciation Society, sitting behind us. All the way through it, it was: aaaahhhh he’s so sweet etc.).
I’ll probably be going to see it again in Half Term with R.D and K.R. Another thing scheduled is R.D’s birthday dinner- a Chinese meal and we have to use chopsticks! Help me!

Anyway – back to my weekend. Got back from the cinema at about 11. Today her grandparents and great-grandparents from Brighton came down at around 11.30am for lunch and left at about 4.15 pm just as Mum and Dad arrived.
Anyway, when I arrived back I discovered that Mum and Dad, in my absence, had got a unit thing for my stereo.

I also got 2 more penpals. You see, I had my first ever 2 sent to me in September: Kylie and Cleopatra, but, they never replied. So I had to send their addresses back to get another 2. I better not write with this paper or they’re guaranteed not to reply!
I’ll fin this letter tomorrow. See yah!

(Stuck to letter Dairylea wrapper with the footnote: A Dairylea triangle wot Vic Reeves had stuck to his sleeve, 6-2 episode).

17-2-92

Hmmmmph, not a good start to the day! Last night I couldn’t sleep, so went into your room where I eventually ‘got off’ to sleep. At about 06.55 I went back to my room to put my stereo-radio on. All I did was press the ‘power’ button, and the bloody thing had suicidal tendencies: it fell off the shelf, luckily I caught it and Mum and I gingerly placed it on the floor! I had it all nicely tuned in and everything.
My ‘Paper Tiger’ stuff arrived (eventually) this morning. The seal stuff isn’t quite as cute as I had visioned but it’s still really nice. I may send for some more stuff, what about you?

For some unknown reason Bruno Brookes is doing ‘The Breakfast Show’ today. What a craphead! He’ll be throwing my routine! I can set my watch by the usual show you see:
7.11 : Headline News = Get Up
7.31 = News = Breakfast
7.39 = After News and 1 song = Hair & Make Up etc
8.20 = After ‘identikit’ quiz = Put on coats, shoes etc
And the stupid plapper is doing everything at different times!

Hiyah! It’s now 3.55pm and I’m sitting in L4 at QMC ready for Italian. Great fun! I can’t wait. Not much happened at school today except some punch up between a 4th and 5th year in the cake queue, since my stereo’s attempted suicide my day has got progressively worse, I am not in the mood for Italian. Roll on 5.30pm when I can pack up and go ‘ome, watch crappy Neighbours etc. Bruno Brookes carried on being a complete mong. I hope he ain’t doing it all week or I’ll change the habit of a lifetime and listen to 2 10fm! Or Capital! Maybe anyway. This, incase u didn’t gather is the seal paper, cute isn’t it?

Well, well, well Mum said you wanted to go out somewhere on the Saturday. Wherever we go K.R is coming as we have to get R.D’s birthday presents.

Still no reply from my Italian penpal, actually that’s most probably a good thing ‘cause I’ll have to write back in Italian.

Hmmmph 4pm, still no sign of Susanna. 15 mins ‘til lesson. In fact, nobody ‘cept me and Maria (a 17 year old) are here. Gahhhh here’s the teacher. Better go 4 now.

17-2-92 (still)
9.06pm

What a day! Whilst watching ‘Corrie’ the bloody dishwasher blew up! Now that ain’t working! Dad’s just about to fix the shelf to the wall so no more suicidal stereos!
Just seen ‘Mr Bean Rides Again’ which was rather crappy compared to the first 3 or 4 ever made. Then I watched Vicky Wood, taped on Friday.

Italian was v.boring. Only 6 people were present and then A, A and C all left early leaving 3 people! Aye well.

Aye, hopefully tomorrow will be better, it should be ‘cause I like the lessons; English, Social Ed, Maths, History, Double piss about (P.E)

Seee yah x

COMMENTARY:
As hinted in the letter this was written on various colours of neon paper. Explaining the fact I had added the following messages to the envelope: Government Health Warning: Very bright paper can seriously ruin your health and Free sunglasses aren’t provided to read this.
Not sure where the vitriolic remarks on Bruno Brookes came from. And was any film with Culkin in ever any good? Even to a 15 year old? Ah, the folly of youth.

Letter 15

25th February 1992

Dear A,

‘Ello! You would not beeeeellllliiiiiieeeevve what’s been going on in the back just there! There was Balthazar Getty and The Queen Mother having a Pot Noodle eating contest on a gondola, being watched by Haydn & Sophie from Home and Away and half the population of Croydon! Only jokin’…..or am I????

Weeeelllll, I suppose I’d better tell ye about my fan-dabby-dozy half term:

Monday (wrote Ol’ Kippers E.g Mr Kipling)

Well I went to town avec K.R we quite forgot to give any one a ‘wooooh’ instead we were referring to everyone as ‘sex on legs’ (more of that later), whilst on the bus I said to her: ‘So how much money have you got?’

‘I think I’ve got about 50p’ she said.

On closer inspection, she had only 9p! So it was up to me to buy the milkshakes in Burger King (have you had your burger?) before we went to get said drinks we went round some shops, saw a few people we knew… and a lot of people we didn’t (Quelle surprise) then we went to Burger King…and I’m very glad I did…

Ya see, we was seated upstairs in a ‘booth’ slurping at our milkshakes. K.R with her vanilla one e with my chocolate one. I was sitting so that as everyone came past I could see ‘em reflected in the wall mirror, thus making silly comments about them etc’. Well, two goooooooorrrrggggeeeeoooouuusssssss blokes came in and surprise surprise (it’s our Cilla!) they sat in the booth that was adjacent to ours. We were sitting down when they plonk their tray of burger and chips (D’ya want fries with that?) and start (OMIGOD!!!) attempting to chat us up!!! ‘Hello’ said the ‘Blonde one’ (Now to be referred to as B) K.R didn’t say anything while I just raised my eyebrows and tried to smile (not an easy thing to do when you have a straw in yer gob!)

‘We’re only being friendly’ said ‘the dark one’ (now to be dubbed as D).

Well, me and K.R just started cracking up, as one does in these situations!

‘Oh don’t get embarrassed’ said B…or was it D? I couldn’t really tell.

‘Want a chip?’ B offered me, waving some greasy thing in my face.

‘No thanks’ I said ‘I’m on a diet’ (lie lie).

Then D peered down into our booth (oooohhhh errrr) and said ‘Well you don’t need to be’ (lie lie).

After that, they didn’t really say much else (shame) except to each other they said ‘Which one do you want?’

Then, it was time for me to make my grand exit. Ya know those fliptop bins you get in burger places? The ones where you have to push the lid inwards and chuck your junk in? Well this one must’ve been rather full, coz as I tried to effortlessly stuff me milkshake carton in the bin and beat a hasty retreat down the stairs I heard the ‘musical’ sound of a milkshake cup falling out of the bin and falling onto the floor! Howwww embarrassing!

After that we went to Woolworths and then walked to the tech college where we were to meet K.R’s sister in the canteen so we could meet her new friends and see these 2 boys she’s always on about. We got there too early and rather than going in we stayed outside in the car park. And we were very glad we did… for a few minutes a later as were walking back towards the college we saw THEM/ yes it was B and D themselves in glorious Technicolor, this gave us a better look at their physiques and gorgeous eyes, faces, clothes, hair, shoes etc. At first they didn’t recognise us but as we had passed them one of them said, be it B or D ‘There’s that girl from Burger King’ then there was a shout of ‘Do you want a ride in my car?’ (how corny) and a wolf whistle. And that was the last we ever saw of them! Booo hoooo sniff sob etc.

Then we got to meet all of her sister’s friends. It’s really nice at the tech but I think I’ll still go to good old QMC.

We left there about 1.45 and walked to her boyfriend’s house in Worting Rd. A complete waste of time. He was in a foul mood and all we did was watch some crappy BBC1 afternoon T.V and play Monopoly. We left about 4.15 and walked to K’s and rang R.D. Then I went home to watch Neighbours and Home & Away then grabbed R.D’s prezzies and legged it over to K’s to get a lift to R.D’s and had a really good time there.

We scoffed a loooooaaddd of yummy Chinese food, infact; I did really well with me chopsticks! Then we watched Naked Gun 2.5 which was just as funny, if not funnier second time around.

Today (Tuesday) were really crappppp! Got up, washed hair, got dressed, ate brekkie, did Italian, watched T.V, went to town (library), came home, made a Pot Noodle, watched Home & Away, dossed about for 2 hours, had tea, watched Grange Hill and Neighbours, listend to the radio, watched some Vic Reeves, watched that Men Behaving Badly fing and now I’m typing to some loony. Better go as it’s about 10.20pm!

Sorry I’m not seeing you on Saturday, I really wanted to see the opera after all the hard work that’s been put into it, but I also want to see T.G, at least I saw you this weekend.

Love Rachel xxx

COMMENTARY:

Typed on Dad’s state of the art word processor! And sent in a Forever Friends envelope. Can’t believe how much detail I went into on the Burger King encounter. But I think that was the single most exciting and romantic encounter of my life at that time…