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003

Letter 19

1-4-92
‘Ello! Just got yer letter so thought I’d scrawl a quick reply for you to read on your return.

The free gift I thought was preferable to sending you a sachet of ‘anti dandruff’ shampoo (the only other ‘handy sized oddment’ I had).

No I didn’t notice Des’s cup. It’s not the sort of details one takes down.
See that man that smells of poo over there? That’s you that is! IT’S TEDDY! MILKY MILKY! PANT MOUS-TACHE (yes, anyway…)

As for making me jealous wi’t Vic N Bob t’advert…pah! I’ve been listening to said adverts about Boost bars on Capital 95.8FM for about 6 months, so there! Even when I wasn’t really aware of the delights of said couplet I still enjoyed the adverts on the radio and the now sadly defunct television one.

As for going to London, I fear we may have to wait until Whitsun, because if we’re going to Winchester as well these sojourns (however it’s spelt) do work out quite expensive. And anyway if we can go I’d’ve saved some £££money$$$ to get another Naf-Naf item and other such wonders from the best city on earth! (No, not New York or Swansea or Paris or Rome… LONDON!).

On Monday Mrs Daniels (Italian teacher) never turned up, so S.L, E.M, N.H and I all went to town and recounted tales of shoplifting. N.H knows someone who has a criminal record for shoplifting and on that record it states what that person stole… A Sylvanian family figure!

8.05am so can’t write much more before school. I’m planning an April fool on K.R. If it works I’ll tell you in this letter.

Oh Yeh, if you want an Italian pen friend to write to, to improve your Italian (or from any other country come to mention it). You can fill in the form that I have and get one ‘presto’.

4.03pm
‘Aye oop! Italian was cancelled (rave!). I played the April Fool on K.R. I told her I’d been ‘moved down’ in Science, and she was falling for it hook, line and sinker until R.D twigged and started laughing.

Also we decided to tell Mrs Cropper we’d forgotten our exercise books! But by the 6th or 7th person she’d twigged.

Ms Bangay’s English class and Mr Morgan’s class swapped round, but naturally the teachers noticed!

Misty’s skulking around coz I wouldn’t feed him! Ha!

Oh goody…’Only Fools and Horses’ tonight, plus ‘Coronation St’ featuring Des’s ‘White mug’ – by ze way I don’t know which cup you mean! Is it the glassy Bodum one from Covent Garden?

Oh, last week in Biology was simply wonderful! Mrs Greenslade was cutting open a heart! Yum! Heart strings and ventricles a plenty! What fun!

Ohhhhh 4.13pm I hope Mum will get ‘ome quickly and we can go get ze magazines (I think I have 5 this week) Yes I’m still a hopeless magazine addict. Also I fancy a Mr Tom’s (nutty crunch yummy bar) and need more Diet Coke.

Have you heard the Mr Bean song? ‘I want to be elected’ – well good!

Well you can RSVP me after the hols.

Scrivimi Presto, Rachel x

COMMENTARY:

 Written on extremely boring lined paper. The ‘fake address’ is full of Mary Whitehouse witticisms.

 Since I’ve started to transcribe these letters I am pleased to say that, maybe 23 years too late, I am off to see Vic and Bob this autumn… hopefully worth the wait?

Letter 20
2-5-92
Dear A,

Well where woz it then? The free sample of egg and mushroom shampoo! It clearly stated on the back of the envelope there’d be some enclosed AND THERE WASN’T! Oh dear!

I shall now update you on any exciting happenings that have happened to moi lately…

Monday… back to school. Yuck. 1st lesson: physics. Double physics! Double yuck. Italian was alright.
Tuesday… very un-exciting
Wednesday… Ditto. Except we had no Italian coz Mrs Daniels was being an interpreter someplace else.

Thursday… K.R’s mum took us to HAYLING ISLAND. We arrived about 1pm and had lunch. We then wandered about the shops – do you remember Roger the milkman? Him and his wife have got a gift shop there. I met him coz K and her parents know ‘em quite well…I should’ve asked about the whereabouts of delicious Derek! We went to see her grandparents at about 4.30pm and stayed until about 6.30pm. Also we saw some cousins and an Aunt and Uncle of K’s. We then left to scoff fish n chips and quaff Diet Coke in the car, we got ‘ome about 8pm. Apart from the weather (rain!) it were a good day out.

Friday… mega boring day at school.

TODAY! I went ‘avec’ K.R and her Mum to Reading ‘cause she had to get some specific running shoes for athletics.

I bought meself a gorgeous silver ring with 3 flowers upon it. Also some boring white air mail paper, a small Diet Coke from The Wimpy and a clover pink t-shirt from The Sweater Shop.

Got back around 3pm and went to Down Grange as people from school were doing a sponsored 10 hour footy match. They did it last year and took it a little more seriously then. We watched for about an hour then went to K.R’s for a bit and pissed about with C.P and took his dog (a fat Labrador called Brandy) for a jog/walk/run to Down Grange again.

I got ‘ome and did a few worthless things. I just wrote to my Malaysian pen friend. After your letter I have to do one to my Italian and then to my American pen friend, Allison. I CAN’T WAIT . Hmmm another 2 days before its back to school.

On Friday I’m going with R.D, her Mum, Sister and another family after school to Southampton to see the musical about Buddy Holly: ‘Buddy’ (!) . Should be good.
Did you watch that Casper Jarrott? I know it’s been on 4 times but I still found it funny.

At the mo’ I’m in possession of S.H’s “Vic Reeves Big Night Out On Tour” video. I’ve watched about half. Well good! But of course…

Now, if you’re a lady ergo you wear tights…ergo they get ruined.

I hope you told everyone about NIGEL HAVERS. Our Nige. I did.

Write soon, with a spoon!

Love from Rachel x
COMMENTARY:
The egregious neon writing paper again. Stickers of KLF and Manic Street Preachers stuck to the envelope. ‘She’s just a marzipan digger’ written above my Sister’s name. Yes, another Vic n Bob reference. The Nigel Havers story? We saw him in Covent Garden and I shouted ‘Alright Nigel?’ much to my Mum and Sister’s mortification.

Letter 21
13-5-92
Dear A,
‘Ello! Or should that be bonjour? Having the French people to stay was a lot of fun. But very tiring. In different ways I think for me than for Mum and Dad.

Y’See K.R came round on Saturday while they did their concert etc and she stayed until 10.30pm. When she left I got ready for bed and sat downstairs reading me book (To Kill a Mockingbird. Very good) and listening to the radio. I thought it only polite for me to stay up. However at midnight when they still hadn’t returned I retired to bed…only to be woken up environ 1.15am by hysterical laughing, shrieking etc downstairs by La Francais! So I didn’t get to sleep past 2am.

One thing one of the French women probably didn’t appreciate was the fact that Mum had left FINNIUS AND HARRIET in your bed! Not a pleasant welcome I should imagine.
On Friday I went with R.D’s family and some of their friends to see ‘Buddy’ in Southampton which was buddy brilliant! (Ha pathetic play on words ahoy). It were a right good rave it were.

Oh yeah. On Thursday I found out where I’m going for Work Experience…my 4th choice…WHSmiths…

Job Description:
Smart personal appearance.
Likes dealing with people.
Literate and numerate.
An interest in books or records would be helpful for development.
Plus plus! I have to wear a simply divine little uniform – look in your branch to see what I mean.

G.E got The Gazette, jammy bastard! Oh well, maybe I should’ve put a school down as the hours are pretty cushy.

Because of ‘Buddy’ and the French people tonight (Tuesday) I had to catch up on some of the stuff I’d recorded on the video: Carrot’s Commercial Breakdown and Only Fools and Horses. I wonder when the second commercial thingamajig will be on, That were better.

Re the postman stealing the egg & mushroom shampoo – I don’t think really he did coz his hair is nice and greasy. He must think I fancy him coz every morning I look so pleased to see him. I’ve had two letters two days running (yesterday I got a v.short one from Michael my friend in the army).

My writing looks really bad because I’m in such a frenzy to put everything down in this letter. If I wrote slower I’ll write neater!

Which stickers have The Birthday Company got then? Anything appealing?

In English we’s reading ‘Educating Rita’ – well actually I read it in two lessons. It were good it were! Soon we’ll be watching it on video. It’d be good if the headmaster walked in on many of the swearwords in it! Ho ho ho.

Now the fifth years have left us fourth years are top of the school. So we had to be appointed House Prefects. I didn’t want to be one, so I’m not. However Mrs Collins is trying to change me mind about it. Stuff her. But I guess I’ll try being a HP and if I like it and it’s an easy lay I will be one and if I hate it, I won’t!

By the way: Enclosed for your appraisal is a play I have written.
14/5/92

Hi! Well done for getting an A+ on yer Italian test. Personally I didn’t think such a mark was conceivable but there you go. I’ve got Italian tests next Wednesday – Aargh!

I’m watching a lot of ITV lately in hope of seeing the Vic & Bob Boost adverts that are being reran: “Slightly rippled with a flat underside”.

Drama at school today: A girl in our year (I vaguely know her) tried to commit suicide at school by taking loads of tablets. Scary eh? It was apparently the second time she’d done it.

In Italian today we spent the remaining 5 minutes talking about…ham. Yes, ham. Mrs Daniels, S.L and N.H were discussing parma, prosciutto and salami. What it was like raw/smoked, how well it kept etc. Riveting eh?

This paper is slightly sexy n’est ce pas? Ye see I canne be bothered to go n get me lovely coloured stationery pad so this’ll have to do.

Oooh nooo missus nooo titter ye not missus… yes quite.

Oh – I couldn’t let it lie I just have to tell ya about my new superb puffy stickers of VIC REEVES. It’s very gorrrgeeeous –slightly shiny with a puffy underside. J.R gave it to me from TV Hits.

I have to try and get my interview for WHSmiths soon – what fun that’ll be.

Anyway I feel this letter has gone on long enough.

Write soon, Rachel

Play – enclosed:

Cheapoplays Ltd.
Characters:
Me – Me
You – You
Mum – Sue Pollard
Our Nige – Nick Fisher from J17 mag
Various passersby – Vic Reeves, Dannii Minogue, Chesney Hawkes and Prince.
Setting: Neal St, Covent Garden
Time: The Present

Act 1 scene 1
Neal steet, around lunchtime. It’s busy. A man is striding up the street minding his own business; he is clad in a brown leather jacket and carrying an umbrella.
Me and you (flapping hands):
“Its Nigel Havers! Its Nigel Havers! Its Nigel Havers” etc
(Me, you, Mum look to their right to see, indeed, Nigel Havers)
Me : (shouting) “A’right Nigel”
Everyone: “Ha Ha”
THE END

COMMENTARY:

 Written on garish primary coloured paper.
The above play, my one and only foray into screenwriting, is explained in the previous letter.

 Finnius and Harriet, as found dans le lit by the French people were my Sister’s cherished child hood toys. A teddy and a rabbit knitted by my Grandmother and stuffed with old tan tights. The stuff of nightmares.

 Love my summing up of a classic work of literature too.