The alternative five stages of grief

I’ve spent the last 12 months wanting to write something about how I felt after my Dad died.  Unfortunately this is the best I can come up with.

There are proven to be five very distinct stages of grief.  And whilst I can identify with all of them (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance) I would also like to propose my own:

1: Admin.  At a time when all you really feel like doing is hiding under the duvet there is So. Much. To. Do.  You can barely find the energy to brush your hair but you have to be places and talk to people and swallow their sympathy and their terrible coffee. Getting the death certificate, registering the death, telling everyone, writing the obituary for the newspaper, appointing and meeting the funeral director, meeting a vicar (he talked a lot), arranging the funeral, arranging the wake, going to the printers, cancelling things.  I was miffed that the funeral director had Donnay sports socks on and I wondered if you were meant to dress up to meet a vicar? My Mum agonised at length about the amount of sandwiches we would need.

(On a serious note if you ever have to navigate this minefield then the government’s ‘tell us once’ service is brilliant.)

2: Coffee.  It becomes your lifeblood.  That is until it is an acceptable time to open some wine.  Which you find yourself doing most evenings.

3: Rom Coms.  The wine (see above) makes them acceptable.  They seem like a good way to pass the time until you forget Amy Schumer’s Dad dies in ‘Trainwreck’ and you wish you’d watched something else.  Reliable sob-fest ‘The Bridges of Madison County’ leaves you unmoved, however.

4: 5am ironing.  Thankfully this was a one off incident.  And it was only one pair of trousers, in my defence.

5: Rash purchases.  I bought what I still call ‘my grief chair’.  It’s a very nice chair but I wouldn’t normally rush into buying anything like that.  But on that Sunday afternoon I convinced myself it was exactly what I needed.  It is a very nice chair (I’m looking at it now).

 

 

Living With Yourself – Life during Lockdown

So, how’s your Lockdown going? I mean, really going? Are you enjoying a quieter, more meaningful pace of life as you munch on your homemade banana bread, beached on your sofa with your partner as you play a board game or binge on a box set together? Are your kitchen surfaces gleaming and all your old bits of paperwork filed neatly away? Is it a whirlwind between another prosecco fuelled Zoom party and online Pilates? oh, you’re having all this great local produce delivered, are you? well, good. Good for you.

I’ll be honest.  Mine isn’t going so well.  Yes, I have batch cooked, I have cleaned, I have used WhatsApp video, Zoom and Skype, read a bit, sent gifts and cards to people to try and cheer them up. I have been for my government approved walks and runs.   I don’t think my laundry basket has ever been so empty. But what I’ve mostly done is drink coffee, eat too many carbs, drank too much wine and cried.

I have cried a lot.   Perhaps I should point out I lost my Dad less than a year ago and my Mum was diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumour in February.  The rug has been pretty much pulled from under me in the last year and every time I feel like I’ve got a firm purchase on it, off it goes again. Stupid rug.

The only way to deal with all that shittery was going to be to have fun! Meals out, the pub, gigs and festivals were booked, there were some good exhibitions coming up, holidays and trips away had been discussed and there was still gym classes to fill the void.

And now what?  I’ll tell you what.  Too much thinking, too much staring out of windows, too much wine.  And yeah, too much crying.  This limbo period has put me back to how I felt after Dad died and it was a struggle to do anything except watch rom coms and drink wine.

But also feelings of guilt.  At the time of writing this I still have a job and have not been furloughed.  I’ve a roof over my head and food on the table (a metaphorical table as I’ve still not bought one).  Thousands in the UK have lost their lives, the NHS are on their knees and you had a cry because you couldn’t get any carrots.  Perspective helps.

As does buying shit.  A box of craft beer, a dress, a necklace, a new television. Yay – you’re helping the economy.  Yay – you’re filling your already packed house with a load of meaningless shit you don’t really need.

Maybe I will eventually learn something about myself at the end of all of this.  My observations so far are that I can’t make very good pancakes, that my neighbours can’t pronounce Kerouac,  that maybe I’m not quite as introverted as I thought I was.

But I’ve also learnt there are more tigers in captivity in America than there are in the rest of the world.  So there’s that.

Stay safe, stay sane and don’t be too hard on yourselves in all of this (yep, easy to dispense to others not so easy to practice) and we will get through this.

 

 

 

 

Bananas

I had what I believe to be a Proustian moment this week.

For those who haven’t read Proust (and that includes me) a Proustian moment is when you are in the moment of doing something else (in his case eating a Madeleine cake dipped in tea) which then suddenly catapults you back in your past and unlocks a memory.

You might think “Calm down, Marcel, it’s just a fucking cake” as Proust savours his Madeleine cake and tea combo (Hobnob biscuits were yet to be invented) but it’s not about the cake, per se, it is because it sparks off a happy memory of his Aunt and his childhood.

My involuntary memory was not evoked by eating cake but by an impromptu visit to the Body Shop on Oxford Street.  I was seeking refuge from the fiercely hot sun by patronising shops to luxuriate in their blissful air con.  Front of store was a display of their new banana range. Banana isn’t really a thing I want to smell of but I decided to smear a bit of the body butter on my arm anyway.

The scent was more pleasant than I was expecting and not actually that banana-y. It was definitely familiar though and then I placed it.

It reminded me of a cocktail I used to have when I was a student.  It was called a ‘Big Wednesday’ and was made of vodka, Malibu, Midori, pineapple juice, orange juice and coconut syrup.  You’ll see banana is absent from the list of ingredients, which is odd.  You could buy this delightful concoction in a bar/restaurant called Old Orleans (I don’t think they’re a thing anymore) and they occasionally had 2 for 1 cocktail offers.

As I walked down Oxford Street, furtively sniffing my wrist, the smell took me back.  I was 19. I was thin. I was with one of my best friends.  We were having fun.  We had just finished our first year at University.  We had gone for cocktails! We were so grown up!

University did not get off to a good start for me as I was so homesick.  I loved my course and I loved learning (geek) but I didn’t settle in as quickly as I expected and I missed my boyfriend. I got on with the others in my halls of residence but I hadn’t really met any new friends.  I nearly didn’t go back after the Christmas holidays and Mum suggested perhaps I tried to transfer to a course nearer to home.  I said I’d go back and give it one more try.

On that first night back in the New Year a girl who I usually just acknowledged at the pay phones (as we queued patiently to weep for as long as a stack of twenty pence pieces would allow us) popped her head into our kitchen and then said did I want to come and watch a film with her.

That girl is still one of my best friends now.  Our drinking habits may be slightly more refined these days but we still have as much fun as we did over twenty years ago when we first met.

I was actually on my way to meet her when this Proustian moment occured and I kept thinking I must get her to smell it and see if she got the same association.  Of course when she turned up I was so excited to see her and we talked incessantly that I forgot all about it.

Here we are in July 1996 with our grown up beverages:

 

 

 

 

 

A Hint of Hampshire

Tags

Basingstoke, Hampshire, Monologue, Ruth Ellis

The following post was written for a creative writing group I attended briefly.  The task was to write a monologue under the theme of ‘A Hint of Hampshire’.  I’ve always been fascinated by Ruth Ellis, the last woman to be hanged in Britain, and she lived briefly in my home town of Basingstoke.  This week there was a three part documentary about her on BBC4 which I haven’t actually watched yet; but I will.

 

 

I step out of the gloom of the doorway and into the softly illuminated glow under the streetlight.

‘Hello David’ I say coolly and then when he ignores me and keeps on walking I shout his name.

‘David!’

He walks on, I assume towards his car.

Calmly I pull out the revolver from the depths of my handbag.

I pull the trigger, damn it, I miss him and he breaks into a run.  I follow and pursue him round the car.

I fire again, more successfully this time, and bring him down onto the pavement.

I stand over him and fire three more shots.

Feelings of euphoria and elation flood my body.  He can’t hurt me now.

My hands are shaking and my fingers can’t find the trigger.  Confused I end up firing into the floor where the bullet flies off in the direction of the Magdala pub.

I hear screams.

I turn to address David’s friend:

‘Will you call the police, Clive?’ I urge.

Within moments it seems that police are already there.  A policeman takes the still warm gun from my trembling hands and puts it in his coat pocket.

I turn to him and smile weakly:

‘I am guilty, I’m a little confused’ I say.

He says nothing as he pushes me into the back of the police car.

*****

It’s June.  The last two months have been somewhat of a blur.  I am not considered unstable and that has been proven.   That’s what they’d prefer to think, you see, that would make this a whole lot easier.

I dress carefully on the morning of the trial.  I select a black suit and a new white silk blouse.  I’ve had my hair done especially the day before.  It’s dyed blonde and that seems to cause the lawyers a few concerns.  Not sure why, I think it suits me this way.

So, the counsel for the prosecution says to me:

‘When you fired the revolver at close range into the body of David Blakely, what did you intend to do?’

It seems such a stupid question.  Is this a joke?  Do they still think I am mentally infirm?

I fix my gaze on Judge Humphreys and tell him:

‘It’s obvious.  When I shot him I intended to kill him.’

There are gasps and murmurs in the court room but I can’t make out any words as the blood seems to be pounding in my head.  The same euphoric, free feelings I experienced when I pulled the trigger have returned.

I’m in the dock still feeling calm and relaxed when they sentence me to death.

I’m lead away as the courtroom is still reverberating, off to Holloway it is.

*****

Its four weeks later when Warder Evelyn Galilee appears at the cell.  She’s carrying the regulation padded knickers.

Galilee propels me to the lavatory and sighs:

‘I’m sorry Ruth, but I’ve got to do this.’

I nod and smile at her, complicitly.

‘Would you pull these tapes Evelyn? I’ll pull the others.’

I take off my glasses and place them on the table.

‘I won’t be needing these anymore’ I say to her.

She nods and takes them away.

I’m back in my cell, waiting.

The Bishops arrives and he seems nice.  We talk for a bit and I force myself to think about what happened with David and why I’m here.  In the last few weeks the euphoria has faded and been replaced with a numb, disassociated feeling.

I look at the Bishop and his open, warm face.  I lean closer to him.

‘it is quite clear to me  that I was not the person who shot him. When I saw myself with the revolver I knew I was another person’ I tell him.

And then it’s time.

I follow the two men when they come for me.

And then darkness.

Yet freedom.

And then he shut the door…

Last year I finally found the courage to do some creative writing classes.  I love writing and always have done, but I’ve never had the balls to share my work with others.  I received great feedback and a lot of good pointers on style and structure.  I stayed in touch with two of my fellow class mates and we occasionally set each other assignments.  This one was to write a 700 word piece using the prompt “and then he shut the door”.  Here we go…I’ve never posted any fiction on here before:

Patrick Shaughnessy balanced the paper bag of fresh bagels on his arm as he shut the door to the apartment. They were still warm and soft and the sweating slightly in their wrapper.  He felt slightly sweaty too in the September early morning sun.

He walked into the kitchen and placed them on the small Bistro dining table he and his girlfriend, Mona Green, had dragged back from the flea market a few weeks ago.

Next to them he placed the bunch of cala lilies he’d got from the guy down on Prospect Heights. He didn’t know where Mona kept the vases and he also knew he’d make a terrible job of arranging them anyway.  Best leave it to the boss, he thought to himself, smiling.

Hastily he wrote the anniversary card he’d been carrying round all week, hidden in his jacket pocket. He placed this near the bagels and flowers and added the final touch:  It was an old illustrated edition of ‘Alice in Wonderland’ that he’d found in The Pranga Bookstore.  The fact that the store was in Carroll Gardens he considered to be a good omen.

Mona had been reading a copy of it the first time they’d met.

It was 1998 and he was not long out of college when he took a short lunch break in Battery Park. He liked the quiet solitude looking over the water to the Statue. It was such a contrast from his hectic job on Wall Street.

He noticed her first and then the book. She sat, completely absorbed, in her reading material pausing occasionally to sip from her Starbucks.  He liked the way she sat with such poise and confidence, reading her book and not noticing the surroundings.

He noticed her long, unruly dark hair; which she kept winding round her fingers as she read.

He noticed her huge, sparkling green eyes as they darted back and forth across the pages of her book.

And he noticed her wide and generous smile as she looked up from her book and finally noticed him.

She had agreed to meet him later that evening at an Irish bar he favoured in Williamsburg. He smiled as he recalled her first introduction to Guinness.  She proclaimed it ‘disgusting’ then drank two pints.

They had begun dating, exclusively, soon after. Mona kept telling him that it could only ever be a bit of fun as a nice Jewish girl like her couldn’t possibly be with a Catholic.

For a year they had kept it a secret from her parents, who even now barely spoke to her. She’d left the family home and moved in with him which just further fuelled their disapproval and disappointment.

Her elder sister Rebbekah passed on family news and had also tried, in vain, to get the family back together. And although Patrick understood (heck, his parents weren’t exactly thrilled either but had joked weakly that at least she wasn’t Protestant) he had been hurt by their attitude.

It just made him more determined to show them, and others, how much Mona meant to him and how he wanted to look after her and make a life together.

So he had decided that today, on their third anniversary, to ask her to marry him.

He had bought the ring in August in Tiffany’s. The turquoise box was now safely in his pocket where the card had been.

He planned to go back to the Irish bar tonight and ask her then.

She would be back soon from her night shift at the Lennox Hill hospital. She would be tired and fed up and probably grouchy.  He hoped the flowers, bagels and present would cheer her up.

He eyed the clock. 7.45. He’d better hurry if he was to make the Subway in time to be at his desk for 8.30.  The Brooklyn to Wall St commute was such a mission.

He hastily scrawled her a note:

11-9-01- Happy Anniversary! Meet me at our bench in Battery Park 6pm. Love you lots, P x

He grabbed his bag and jacket and then he shut the door.

 

 

The Day The Music Died

Tags

Bowie, family, fashion, Memories, music, nostalgia, novels

Saturday 9th January 2016

It’s early in the morning and my boyfriend and I are on the M3 heading down to Southampton to pick up the ferry to the Isle of Wight. He hands me a big stack of CDs for the journey. Automatically I select a best of David Bowie CD and we enjoy the tracks from the seventies as we head to the terminal. He is a recent convert to ‘Moonage Daydream’ after it featured in the film Guardians of the Galaxy.

When we resume listening after the ferry I have a strange and fleeting thought, which I immediately repress; “how will I react when David Bowie dies?”. I don’t formulate a response in my head to this. Why should I?

In the evening I start to re-read one of my favourite books: The Buddha of Suburbia by Hanif Kureishi. Again Bowie is present: referenced in the tale of Karim’s adolescence on the outskirts of London and of his exotic half brother,Charlie Hero, who at the start of the tale is definitely aiming to be the next Bowie. By the end of the book he’s the next Sid Vicious. Bowie also did the soundtrack to the 1993 BBC2 adaptation.

Sunday 10th January 2016

We’re in a pub for a few afternoon pints listening to a local radio station. The feature is Top ten best selling British male solo artists. As the DJ countdowns we wager where Bowie will feature. He comes in at number 3 and they play ‘Ashes to Ashes’, one of my favourites.

Monday 11th January 2016

I wake a little after 9am (we’re away for a long weekend) and see a text from a colleague. It’s rare for him to text me. All it says is ‘Bowie…’. I am mystified. Sleepily I wonder if he’s referring to the new album that came out on Friday. Then I get a horrible idea what it may be referring to and quickly check the BBC News App.

It’s there but I can’t take it in. I shake my boyfriend awake. It’s his birthday but instead of greeting him with a cheery Happy Birthday I just show him my phone.
I feel absolutely devastated and shocked. I read as many of the reports as I can but it still doesn’t feel real. How can it be? He just released a new album and worked on a play in New York.

As more information comes in I find it very hard to process. The age and the illness are far too close to the bone: my Father was diagnosed with advanced cancer 18 months ago and whilst the prognosis seems okay at the moment I know I haven’t been facing up to it as much as I should be. I end up sobbing but unsure who I’m crying about. I talk about my Dad but in my mind the two are blurred and inseparable.

I register I’ve never cried at a death of a celebrity before. Not even Kurt Cobain when I was 17.

I muddle through the day. I have to visit a donkey sanctuary and go out for a meal. I welcome the distractions but my mind is elsewhere. I look at the donkeys and eat a Thai curry in a pub, without enthusiasm, but my mind is wandering and my smile is faked.
I was born in 1976 and grew up in the 1980s. Therefore my early memories of Bowie are associated with ‘Dancing in the Streets’, ‘Under Pressure’, the duet with Bing Crosby where he wore a snazzy jumper and a bizarre appearance at the start of ‘The Snowman’. I remember ‘Absolute Beginners’ being in the charts but I was too young to see the film (I saw this in the late nineties and was very disappointed). I watched ‘Labyrinth’ a few times but wasn’t a huge fan, never been much of a sci-fi or fantasy gal.

Still, he was something of legend in my family as my Auntie had been completely obsessed by him and used to dress like him and dye and style her hair like his. This was told to me as I went through a cringey phase of dressing like Madonna.

In my mid teens my musical tastes were very much rooted in the indie scene and as part of this I discovered Bowie’s back catalogue: Magical.

It also makes me think of my old friend Chris who was the biggest Bowie fan I ever met. You can read more about Chris here:

https://yousaythatnow.wordpress.com/2014/01/02/star-man/

In 2013 I was fortunate enough to catch the retrospective at the V&A and continued to have vivid dreams of it for some time after. So much so that when I planned my visit to New York in 2014 I mentioned seeing it again to my boyfriend to his bemusement. Of course it wasn’t exhibiting there: I’d dreamed it.
Tuesday 12th January 2016
The news is no longer top on the BBC’s feed (striking junior doctors has taken over) so for a nano-second on Tuesday morning I hope it’s not true.

I buy several newspapers and secure some more from friends and family. I start to think of tattoos and necklaces (of which more later).

I ask my Auntie for her thoughts and memories and am delighted to receive the following:
I was just 15 when Space Oddity was released. I remember watching it on TV and was immediately hooked. Shortly afterwards I dyed my hair red, much to the horror of my family, following which I began using quite garish make up from Biba. This involved the use of black lipstick and nail varnish. I remember being admitted to hospital and the nurses trying to remove the nail varnish before the consultant saw it! I was a very diehard fan, buying every single and album he ever brought out and following his fashion trends – although I did draw the line at the lightening stripe, preferring instead to use glitter and stars and food colouring in my bleached blonde hair (his current look at the time). My bedroom walls were covered in his images, even having one on the ceiling above my bed. I find it hard to believe he has gone but his music will live on

Wednesday 13th January 2016

I visit the Tatty Devine store in London and order a ‘Bowie’ necklace. Red laser cut perspex with a blue lightning bolt. The girls in the store are lovely and one asks me how many cries I’ve had so far.

I also wear my lightning bolt earrings to work, which I purchased at the V&A, slightly outré for work but I don’t care.

I develop an idea for an intermediate tattoo. I already have some star designs on my lower back and down my side, finishing on my ribs. I plan to have ‘And the stars look very different today’ added between the two designs.

I want a separate Bowie design but can’t decide what. There are a few on the internet but it seems the antithesis of Bowie’s sheer individuality and uniqueness to copy someone else’s.

I still can’t listen to anything but there is a constant soundtrack in my head.

Thursday 14th January 2016

After work I walk from Covent Garden to Heddon Street. This is where the album cover for Ziggy Stardust was shot and I’ve been meaning to pop by for a while to look at the plaque.

The backstreet, a stone’s throw away from glitzy Regent St, has been developed in recent times and the plaque is tucked between a plethora of fancy bars and restaurants. It’s bitterly cold but quiet on my visit. Beneath the plaque sits a carpet of flowers, messages, candles, glitter and other assorted tributes. The tears come as I stand and take pictures.

Alan Rickman died today. Same age, same illness.

Friday 15th January 2016

Working my way up to listening to the songs again I find myself googling clips of ‘Stella Street’ on Youtube for a giggle. Channel Five catch me unawares in a programme about 1985 and show a clip from the ‘Dancing in the Streets’ video… of all songs…!

Saturday 16th January 2016

I watch a few programmes on i-player including one about Ziggy Stardust.
I’m getting there.

Tentatively I listen to ‘Modern Love’ and ‘Velvet Goldmine’ and all seems ok so far. I’m not sure I can cope with something like ‘Heroes’ just yet!

Sunday 17th January 2016

I find a few more programmes to indulge in. A documentary on one of the entertainment channels and the Glass Spider tour which I’ve seen before. Again I’m hit with the huge regret of never seeing him play live.

As the tweet that was doing the rounds says:
If you’re ever sad, just remember the world is 4.543 billion years old and you somehow managed to exist at the same time as David Bowie

Letters to my sister: part 8: April/May 1992 – Nigel Havers and Buddy Holly

Tags

Friends, letters, Memories, Nigel Havers, nostalgia, penfriends, school

Letter 19

1-4-92
‘Ello! Just got yer letter so thought I’d scrawl a quick reply for you to read on your return.

The free gift I thought was preferable to sending you a sachet of ‘anti dandruff’ shampoo (the only other ‘handy sized oddment’ I had).

No I didn’t notice Des’s cup. It’s not the sort of details one takes down.
See that man that smells of poo over there? That’s you that is! IT’S TEDDY! MILKY MILKY! PANT MOUS-TACHE (yes, anyway…)

As for making me jealous wi’t Vic N Bob t’advert…pah! I’ve been listening to said adverts about Boost bars on Capital 95.8FM for about 6 months, so there! Even when I wasn’t really aware of the delights of said couplet I still enjoyed the adverts on the radio and the now sadly defunct television one.

As for going to London, I fear we may have to wait until Whitsun, because if we’re going to Winchester as well these sojourns (however it’s spelt) do work out quite expensive. And anyway if we can go I’d’ve saved some £££money$$$ to get another Naf-Naf item and other such wonders from the best city on earth! (No, not New York or Swansea or Paris or Rome… LONDON!).

On Monday Mrs Daniels (Italian teacher) never turned up, so S.L, E.M, N.H and I all went to town and recounted tales of shoplifting. N.H knows someone who has a criminal record for shoplifting and on that record it states what that person stole… A Sylvanian family figure!

8.05am so can’t write much more before school. I’m planning an April fool on K.R. If it works I’ll tell you in this letter.

Oh Yeh, if you want an Italian pen friend to write to, to improve your Italian (or from any other country come to mention it). You can fill in the form that I have and get one ‘presto’.

4.03pm
‘Aye oop! Italian was cancelled (rave!). I played the April Fool on K.R. I told her I’d been ‘moved down’ in Science, and she was falling for it hook, line and sinker until R.D twigged and started laughing.

Also we decided to tell Mrs Cropper we’d forgotten our exercise books! But by the 6th or 7th person she’d twigged.

Ms Bangay’s English class and Mr Morgan’s class swapped round, but naturally the teachers noticed!

Misty’s skulking around coz I wouldn’t feed him! Ha!

Oh goody…’Only Fools and Horses’ tonight, plus ‘Coronation St’ featuring Des’s ‘White mug’ – by ze way I don’t know which cup you mean! Is it the glassy Bodum one from Covent Garden?

Oh, last week in Biology was simply wonderful! Mrs Greenslade was cutting open a heart! Yum! Heart strings and ventricles a plenty! What fun!

Ohhhhh 4.13pm I hope Mum will get ‘ome quickly and we can go get ze magazines (I think I have 5 this week) Yes I’m still a hopeless magazine addict. Also I fancy a Mr Tom’s (nutty crunch yummy bar) and need more Diet Coke.

Have you heard the Mr Bean song? ‘I want to be elected’ – well good!

Well you can RSVP me after the hols.

Scrivimi Presto, Rachel x

COMMENTARY:

 Written on extremely boring lined paper. The ‘fake address’ is full of Mary Whitehouse witticisms.

 Since I’ve started to transcribe these letters I am pleased to say that, maybe 23 years too late, I am off to see Vic and Bob this autumn… hopefully worth the wait?

Letter 20
2-5-92
Dear A,

Well where woz it then? The free sample of egg and mushroom shampoo! It clearly stated on the back of the envelope there’d be some enclosed AND THERE WASN’T! Oh dear!

I shall now update you on any exciting happenings that have happened to moi lately…

Monday… back to school. Yuck. 1st lesson: physics. Double physics! Double yuck. Italian was alright.
Tuesday… very un-exciting
Wednesday… Ditto. Except we had no Italian coz Mrs Daniels was being an interpreter someplace else.

Thursday… K.R’s mum took us to HAYLING ISLAND. We arrived about 1pm and had lunch. We then wandered about the shops – do you remember Roger the milkman? Him and his wife have got a gift shop there. I met him coz K and her parents know ‘em quite well…I should’ve asked about the whereabouts of delicious Derek! We went to see her grandparents at about 4.30pm and stayed until about 6.30pm. Also we saw some cousins and an Aunt and Uncle of K’s. We then left to scoff fish n chips and quaff Diet Coke in the car, we got ‘ome about 8pm. Apart from the weather (rain!) it were a good day out.

Friday… mega boring day at school.

TODAY! I went ‘avec’ K.R and her Mum to Reading ‘cause she had to get some specific running shoes for athletics.

I bought meself a gorgeous silver ring with 3 flowers upon it. Also some boring white air mail paper, a small Diet Coke from The Wimpy and a clover pink t-shirt from The Sweater Shop.

Got back around 3pm and went to Down Grange as people from school were doing a sponsored 10 hour footy match. They did it last year and took it a little more seriously then. We watched for about an hour then went to K.R’s for a bit and pissed about with C.P and took his dog (a fat Labrador called Brandy) for a jog/walk/run to Down Grange again.

I got ‘ome and did a few worthless things. I just wrote to my Malaysian pen friend. After your letter I have to do one to my Italian and then to my American pen friend, Allison. I CAN’T WAIT . Hmmm another 2 days before its back to school.

On Friday I’m going with R.D, her Mum, Sister and another family after school to Southampton to see the musical about Buddy Holly: ‘Buddy’ (!) . Should be good.
Did you watch that Casper Jarrott? I know it’s been on 4 times but I still found it funny.

At the mo’ I’m in possession of S.H’s “Vic Reeves Big Night Out On Tour” video. I’ve watched about half. Well good! But of course…

Now, if you’re a lady ergo you wear tights…ergo they get ruined.

I hope you told everyone about NIGEL HAVERS. Our Nige. I did.

Write soon, with a spoon!

Love from Rachel x
COMMENTARY:
The egregious neon writing paper again. Stickers of KLF and Manic Street Preachers stuck to the envelope. ‘She’s just a marzipan digger’ written above my Sister’s name. Yes, another Vic n Bob reference. The Nigel Havers story? We saw him in Covent Garden and I shouted ‘Alright Nigel?’ much to my Mum and Sister’s mortification.

Letter 21
13-5-92
Dear A,
‘Ello! Or should that be bonjour? Having the French people to stay was a lot of fun. But very tiring. In different ways I think for me than for Mum and Dad.

Y’See K.R came round on Saturday while they did their concert etc and she stayed until 10.30pm. When she left I got ready for bed and sat downstairs reading me book (To Kill a Mockingbird. Very good) and listening to the radio. I thought it only polite for me to stay up. However at midnight when they still hadn’t returned I retired to bed…only to be woken up environ 1.15am by hysterical laughing, shrieking etc downstairs by La Francais! So I didn’t get to sleep past 2am.

One thing one of the French women probably didn’t appreciate was the fact that Mum had left FINNIUS AND HARRIET in your bed! Not a pleasant welcome I should imagine.
On Friday I went with R.D’s family and some of their friends to see ‘Buddy’ in Southampton which was buddy brilliant! (Ha pathetic play on words ahoy). It were a right good rave it were.

Oh yeah. On Thursday I found out where I’m going for Work Experience…my 4th choice…WHSmiths…

Job Description:
Smart personal appearance.
Likes dealing with people.
Literate and numerate.
An interest in books or records would be helpful for development.
Plus plus! I have to wear a simply divine little uniform – look in your branch to see what I mean.

G.E got The Gazette, jammy bastard! Oh well, maybe I should’ve put a school down as the hours are pretty cushy.

Because of ‘Buddy’ and the French people tonight (Tuesday) I had to catch up on some of the stuff I’d recorded on the video: Carrot’s Commercial Breakdown and Only Fools and Horses. I wonder when the second commercial thingamajig will be on, That were better.

Re the postman stealing the egg & mushroom shampoo – I don’t think really he did coz his hair is nice and greasy. He must think I fancy him coz every morning I look so pleased to see him. I’ve had two letters two days running (yesterday I got a v.short one from Michael my friend in the army).

My writing looks really bad because I’m in such a frenzy to put everything down in this letter. If I wrote slower I’ll write neater!

Which stickers have The Birthday Company got then? Anything appealing?

In English we’s reading ‘Educating Rita’ – well actually I read it in two lessons. It were good it were! Soon we’ll be watching it on video. It’d be good if the headmaster walked in on many of the swearwords in it! Ho ho ho.

Now the fifth years have left us fourth years are top of the school. So we had to be appointed House Prefects. I didn’t want to be one, so I’m not. However Mrs Collins is trying to change me mind about it. Stuff her. But I guess I’ll try being a HP and if I like it and it’s an easy lay I will be one and if I hate it, I won’t!

By the way: Enclosed for your appraisal is a play I have written.
14/5/92

Hi! Well done for getting an A+ on yer Italian test. Personally I didn’t think such a mark was conceivable but there you go. I’ve got Italian tests next Wednesday – Aargh!

I’m watching a lot of ITV lately in hope of seeing the Vic & Bob Boost adverts that are being reran: “Slightly rippled with a flat underside”.

Drama at school today: A girl in our year (I vaguely know her) tried to commit suicide at school by taking loads of tablets. Scary eh? It was apparently the second time she’d done it.

In Italian today we spent the remaining 5 minutes talking about…ham. Yes, ham. Mrs Daniels, S.L and N.H were discussing parma, prosciutto and salami. What it was like raw/smoked, how well it kept etc. Riveting eh?

This paper is slightly sexy n’est ce pas? Ye see I canne be bothered to go n get me lovely coloured stationery pad so this’ll have to do.

Oooh nooo missus nooo titter ye not missus… yes quite.

Oh – I couldn’t let it lie I just have to tell ya about my new superb puffy stickers of VIC REEVES. It’s very gorrrgeeeous –slightly shiny with a puffy underside. J.R gave it to me from TV Hits.

I have to try and get my interview for WHSmiths soon – what fun that’ll be.

Anyway I feel this letter has gone on long enough.

Write soon, Rachel

Play – enclosed:

Cheapoplays Ltd.
Characters:
Me – Me
You – You
Mum – Sue Pollard
Our Nige – Nick Fisher from J17 mag
Various passersby – Vic Reeves, Dannii Minogue, Chesney Hawkes and Prince.
Setting: Neal St, Covent Garden
Time: The Present

Act 1 scene 1
Neal steet, around lunchtime. It’s busy. A man is striding up the street minding his own business; he is clad in a brown leather jacket and carrying an umbrella.
Me and you (flapping hands):
“Its Nigel Havers! Its Nigel Havers! Its Nigel Havers” etc
(Me, you, Mum look to their right to see, indeed, Nigel Havers)
Me : (shouting) “A’right Nigel”
Everyone: “Ha Ha”
THE END

COMMENTARY:

 Written on garish primary coloured paper.
The above play, my one and only foray into screenwriting, is explained in the previous letter.

 Finnius and Harriet, as found dans le lit by the French people were my Sister’s cherished child hood toys. A teddy and a rabbit knitted by my Grandmother and stuffed with old tan tights. The stuff of nightmares.

 Love my summing up of a classic work of literature too.

Letters to my Sister: Part 7: March 1992 “To be or not to be….”

Tags

Boys, Burger King, Friends, friendship, letters, Memories, rave, school, Shakespeare

 

Letter 16

March 3^rd 1992

‘Ello!  I got your letter today, along with postcards from T.G and S.L, who, in true sending postcard fashion, both arrived back last Saturday!

I don’t know about watches not being around (or a square) but what about bourbon biscuits! Surely they’re an anachronism?!

In reply to yer letter the boyz in Burger King were 16? 17? 18? I dunno! And I’ve been back since then! Once on Sat ‘avec’ R.D and K.R and today ‘con’ K.R (where I were served by the one and only Chesney Hawkes – I mean Delme) But at lunchtime today (Oh! Must explain for some stooped reason we had ze day off) when K.R and I went to BCOT at lunch I saw one of the boyz for about 2 milliseconds…

Mary Whitehouse Experience was okay, a bit centered on Edward Scissorhands and Barry White, but, nevertheless, still rather amusing.

A question:  Next time yous in The Birthday Company, can you get me some nice stickers? (e.g. fruit, flowers, animals etc) coz me French pen pal sent me a Naf-Naf sticker and she ‘raved on’ about the stickers I had bunged on me letter saying: “en France nouse n’en avons pas des comme cela” soooo if ye get a few (say 5 or 6) bung ‘em in next letter wi’t’receipt and I’ll either send you t’money or give it to you when I next see you, okay?

These are the last few sheets of that charming recycled set that old Freed-bag got us, what a shame! I shall have to get meself some more!

What colour inks are in’t’ “jungle” ink pad?  Now I boast a collection of 9 shades of ink!  Beats your measly 6 shades into a cocked hat! And my stamps work – nyah nyah! Maybe t’Biffday company will get some more in, due to popular demand.

7.02pm, spoze I’d better go, get a drink, do some English and Algebra, a minute piece of Physics and save up some more trivia to bung in this letter.

See ya!

5/3/92 7.51pm

Eye oop! This is, without a doubt, the most snoozeworthy letter I’ve ever written 2 u, still I ‘spose you won’t mind.

Just watched ‘Eastenders’ (really borin’) a pooooo-errrr substitute for Vic Reeves is on later called ‘The Big One’ with Mike McShane and Sandi Toksvig from  ‘Whose Line is it Anyway’  I hope its witty but I bet its shitty! Also, ‘Only Fools and Horses’ is on laters.

Wayyyyyy heeeyyyy TOTTENHAM! I have to get me scarf down for Saturday’s match, yeeeahhhhh!

S.M got me some really sweet stickers from Germany, one sheet of puppies and one sheet of other animals, plus a pair of parrot earrings.

I have 3 new penpals (Not more??? I hear you cry) I guess I’d better write to ‘em, what a bore! I guess I’d better construct some Italian to write to the Italian one, Marco.

Uh-oh! Dot has just spied Ricky & Sam’s rave (Eastenders) and now Etta is parading over, excitement.

Sorry that this is a crap letter!

Bye, Love Rachel

COMMENTARY:

Written, as alluded to earlier, in ‘crappy’ recycled note paper. The envelope claims to include ‘Free! One letter written on top quality paper’.  Can’t believe I was on a mission to see the guys from Burger King again?  Unrequited love.

Brief nod to Tottenham.  I was really into football in this era.  Mainly due to Gary Lineker.

I still love stationery and stickers now, but have less cause to use them.  Shame.

Letter 17

15^th March 1992

Dear A,

‘Ello! Thanks for t’letter.  I suppose the paper is okay, a bit tacky! (I’m talking about the princess stuff in case you didn’t gather!)

You ask how I am coping without Vic Reeves on’t’telly?  Not v.well I’m afraid, I couldn’t cope with the gaps on a Tuesday afternoon and a Thursday evening so have joined a ‘TAOV’ support group (The Absence Of Vic) and was doing jolly well until your letter arrived, caliming it was from him !  I had palpitations and was in a cold sweat! Don’t ever do that to me again!

Well I’ve had a fairly busy week.  Last Saturday of course was the football, incase you didn’t know we lost 1-3 and Gary Lineker only played for 17 minutes! Also last Saturday at T.G’s they got the video out of Green Card, which I enjoyed just as much the 2^nd time as I did the 1^st (only this time there was no frozen yoghurts dropped down people’s shirts!)

Got back on Sunday and had to homework, ditto for Mon, Tue and Weds.

On Thursday; 2 coach loads of mostly 4^th, some 3^rd and some 5^th years went to see ‘Macbeth’ in Southampton, yeh well what an educational experience!  We arrived too early and had to wait around by the front of the theatre, then were all accosted by a loony-tramp! He was wandering about by the front of the theatre mumbling ‘To be or not to be…’ everyone was hysterical with laughter, even the teachers! When we finally were allowed in everyone (plus a lot of other schools) surged in a mass bundle up steps, down steps, here’n’there in an attempt to find our seats, when we did find them we had half an hour to wait for the main event.  It started off with loud gun shots, naturally everyone over-reacted with screams and yells and swearwords!

Hmmmm, from 7.30-10 pm (no interval) we were sat bored, pissed off and much amused by a modernised version of Macbeth that would have had ol’Shaky turning in his grave! (N.B the best bits of the play were: M.M coming back from the loo and falling over, D.C making Mr Cadbury’s Parrot noises and the fruit Polos).

When it ended we all charged and pushed our way out, into a seething mass of schoolkids, usherettes, teachers and the general public, only to be met by about 3 million different coaches!  When we found ours we sat back, bored and knackered and watched the antics of the tramp (who was chucking his hat about) and then he appeared by our coach blowing everyone kisses.

We arrived back about 11.15pm totally ‘shagged out’ (oooh errr).  Never again!

On Friday I had to go to town after school avec K.R and S.H to get presents for Kelly and Kelly, whose party we attended last night.

1.48pm, I’ll write laters as I’m seeing K.R soon.

Still 15/3/92

6.29pm

Hiyah!  Yesterday we had to chaperone teams for the National school teams netball tournament, which for some reason, out of all the schools in England, was held at Ricky Aldy.  It was a good doss if nowt else.

Kelly and Kelly’s party was total shit!  But a good laugh.  The music was really naff: Chesney, NKOTB, stuff from 1986 etc.

I’m now eagerly awaiting a cheese and tomato Pot Noodle and chocolate birthday cake to munch/slurp while viewing ‘You’ve Been Framed’.

Change of colour methinks – Anyway, I though today ‘I’ll write some letters’.  Then couldn’t remember any French or Italian.

Nothing interesting happening this week except I’ve got another day off Friday.  I’m going to the cinema to see ‘Father of the Bride’ with Steve Martin and Kieran Maculkin (yes celebrities are coming too).

I’m in such a frenzy to write this letter me writings gone all MAD!
‘Ows Ballroom Dancing going?  And how are the many mongs at BCHE? Has one half of the Dippy Duo got himself a new mug?  Yes his other one was gross and acnified.

Oh well.  Boring paper. Boring Letter.

Love Rachel x

COMMENTARY:

Written on lined white paper in many different biros in a peach envelope that alleged to include 30mg pure fresh air.

Gosh, all go that week.  Football match, a party, Shakespeare AND a netball thing.

Letter 18

25/3/92

Dear A,

Hiya Mong! Thanx 4 t’letter!  Also this week I had a letter from an Italian male mong, extremely mongish.  He said he likes to paint vests/t-shirts and has said that I the future he will send me one!? One can just visualise this grubby grey vest with some way out design on it!!!

I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned it in previous correspondence but lately every night at 6,7,8 or 9pm K.R and I ‘flash lights’ to each other, so I’ve flashed Mum and Dad’s bedroom light on and off at her!

Now I’m supping a cuppa tea and watching ‘Only Fools and Horses’ : STICK A PHONEY IN YOUR BOG IN AND TAKE A FISHCAKE FROM THE BANK!!!

Last Friday we had a day of school so we went to see ‘Father of the Bride’ at t’cinema.  It were right good.  Maybe we can fit a visit to t’cinema during Easter?

Oh  nooooo, it’s all getting tricccckkkkkeeeeeeeeee!  By the way –  the Italian perfect tense is really easy when you get the hang of it:  Ho guardato la television and all that!

The German exchange arrived tonight. R.D has one.  She looks alright.  I’ll get to meet ‘em tomorrow.  Rave!

On Saturday I got £35 of clothes for £7 in Top Shop, a purple Levi’s T-shirt reduced from £15 to £5 and ‘Coppernob’ brown leggings reduced from £20 to £2! Lovely!

‘Neighbours’ has got increasingly crap lately.  N’est-ce-pas?  A third Lucy – possibly the worst yet – and Todd’s spiffy noooo hairdo.  Absolutely gorgeous!

Behold the delights of tomorrow’s lessons – Drama, HRF, Biology, Maths and double French.

Well England did well in the cricket.  Nemind.

A girl at Italian has told me all about Vic Reeves fan club she had planned to join ‘til she discovered it was £10, to me that doesn’t seem too steep a price to show my appreciation for Sir Victor Reeves.  She (the lucky tart) went to see him live last year!  Oooh, green with envy I am!

K.R is coming for tea (oooh how jolly) on Friday.  I’d better clean my cess pit of a boudoir before then.

Oh yeh! I’ve just remembered! You’re now the proud owner of a house in Bath.  When I come and doss down on the floor I plan to dance round the nearby cemetery during the ‘witching hour’ making all manner of spppooookkkkeeee noises.  Eeeeerrrie veeerrrryyyy eeeeerrrriiie!

Oh well I’d better go until tomorrow night! Bye! Ciao!

March 26^th 1992

4.58pm

‘Ello! Speaking of ‘ello THAT Vicky Wood is on Fri April 3^rd Channel 4. 11pm. Great!

By the way, ‘ow are you voting? I just had to mention ‘the election’ in this letter!

Just seen that crappy milk advert with the Squeeze song ‘Cool for Cats’ what a crappy advert with a good song!  Have you seen it?

Now Misty has just clambered onto me as he does whenever I wear black leggings, he’s now just trod on your letter and bent it all.  Stupid thing.

Still noticing the absence of Vic on a Thursday night.  Do you watch The Big One which is on instead? It’s rather good.

Anyway, write soon.

Love Rachel x

COMMENTARY:

Written on the most lurid neon paper that ever there was!

The alternative lyrics to the Only Fools theme tune was seriously what my Sister and I thought it was for many years.  Straight up.

Letters to my Sister: Part 6: February 1992: Suicidal stereos and milkshakes

Tags

Boys, Burger King, friendship, letters, Memories, nostalgia, school

 Letter 13

8th February 1992

Dear A,

Hiyah! You would not beliiiiiiiiieeeeeeevvvveeeee what’s been going on around here!

Well you would actually! Since we got back from our groovesome day out (3 hours ago) we’ve been watching ‘Blind Date’ ( a repeat! Hmph!), then Mum watched some crappo BBC2 prog whilst I listened to a tape and started a letter to T.G

Now I’m quaffing a mixture of ruby red grapefruit juice and orange juice whilst viewing (ahem…) ‘That’s Life’  Goorrrrgggeeeeooouss!

Mmm still thinking of that gorrrrgggeeeeoooouuss Haagen Daz ice cream (this can be possibly be spelled wrong, but nemind).

Re the Vic & Bob poster: it does sound rather splendid, but I dooooo make exceedingly good cakes, whoops, gone a bit WEEEIIIIRRRD there!  What I meant to say was, I think £6 for a poster is a bit steep, even if it does feature SEXY Vic and Bob zippin’ around on a lean mean motorbike machine! Besides, there’s no room on’t’my wall! Ah well!

Only another 24 minutes ’til Julian Clarey on Radio One.

Thanx for the freebies.  The paper is nice.  Unfortunately the cat’s tail fell off!!!

I’ve filled out the Paper Tiger order form to get A5 seal paper and envelopes and a hippo mini-design note pad. Looovvvelly!

I’ve tried out the coloured inks, they’re right good! I will have to try and remember to put them on this letter somewhere.

Aye well, best go.  Grape Nuts tomorrow! I’ll write a domain! Bye.

9th February 1992 (12.16pm)

Ello again! Just got me fingers all grubby delving into a sack of rubbish in search of The Gazette, only to find it was only shitty old Rab.C.Nesbitt at the Hexagon! Bumyug!

I’ve also dashed off some rather hasty (but not tasty) maths project work. V.boring.

Posted t’ Paper Tiger thingymejig earlier.  I hope the goods come up to standard and bloody well arrive soon! (Though I must say they did arrive fairly speedily to you.)

K.R has just knocked for me.  Unfortunately due to maths project, history essay, French, I.T, Italian, a Spurs match on TV, hair washing, tidying, ‘You’ve Been Framed’, ‘Darling Buds of May’ and ‘One Foot in the Grave’; I can’t see her today!

I was extremely annoyed not to meet either of The Dippy Duo yesterday.  I can’t remember which one I haven’t met, but next time I come down I’ll be demanding an introduction, also maybe a meet with Gorgeous Gideon?

Lunch is gonna be late today coz of Sainsbury’s shopping. Hmmph.  I ain’t even read the Sunday ‘maggos’ yet due to the shitey maths project!

By ze vay, I saw a Judith Grant lookalike yesterday at Salisbury station.  Her hood wasn’t up but she had a tasty knitted hat on instead. I nearly , very nearly, gandered up and enquired if she had farted into a goblet lately? But didn’t.

Well, well must dash, luncheon will be ready (we’re going to a chic new restaurant called “Simon’s” I’m having the set menu #3 comprising of:

Starter: semolina and avocado

Main Course: Pop Larkin

Middleybit: Spaghetti vindaloo

Dessert: Joo Dith Granty

Drinky: Tap water

Yummmeee!  Better go before someone snaffles me vindaloo (and that could be painful!)

9pm

‘Ello (again) Just a quick note to say lunch at Simon’s woz fabbo!! I’ll either finish this letter tonight or tomorrow night! Bye!

9th February 1992 (again) 9pm

‘Ello (again) just viewed ‘The Darling Buds of May’, complete tripe. A feeble story line and the twins and Victoria are extremely nauseating, since reading ‘The Pop Larkin Chronicles’ I find the programme horrendous, cringeworthy, vile, unrealistic and really crappy! But…I still watch it!

‘Ang on I’ll be back (said Arnie Schwarzenegger) after ‘One Foot in the Grave’.
‘Ello again (9.53pm) ‘One Foot in the Grave’ was a bit weird to say the least.
Aaarrghhh, school tomorrow: Double physics, I.T, maths, history and English. Then – Italian. Hooray!

I spoke to T.G earlier, she was relating her and her Dad’s first Step Aerobics session, she said her Dad has no co-ordination whatsoever, when 29 people are going one way; her Dad will be going the other. It reminds me of yoga on Thursday, watching some of the ‘amateurs’ attempt the Lotus position (the one where you fold your legs up, ooh err) there were legs and bums all over the shop (most rum – and not a gonk’s bare bum in sight).

Take care and write soon, Love Rach

COMMENTARY:
Written on turquoise paper with a blue envelope adorned with stickers, drawings and stamps. Also stuck at the bottom of the letter was a cutting from The Gazette (as referenced earlier) for The Hexagon in Reading touting: Dave Willets (I’ve written Who?), Lorna Luft and Wayne Sleep (ditto), Kevin ‘Bloody’ Wilson (I’ve written Ooh er at the ‘Adults only’ rating), Rab C Nesbitt , Mike Harding (????), Klaus Wunderlich (again gets a Who?), Freddie Starr (He ate my hamster), Jim Davidson (!?), Rob Newman & David Baddiel and finally Jesus Christ Superstar with Paul Nicholas (who I’ve branded as a mong.) This made me LOL quite a bit. The eagle-eyed among you probably will have twigged that ‘Simon’s’ was of course a fictitious restaurant and again a reference to an in-joke. We wrote an entire menu once of bizarre and unappetising dishes, for the hell of it. Bored – much? Someone at work recently mused on what people did before the internet. I think I had the past times…!

Letter 14
16th February 1992

Dear A,

Well, I hope you have your sunglasses on to read my letter in this wacky, tacky, lurid, bright, luminous, neon, fluorescent, gaudy and colourful stationery! I got it in Watford yesterday.

I am disgusted with your choice of envelope! It was the sort of envelope that may’ve contained a VALENTINE’S CARD! It really got my hopes up! Actually I got 5! (from my friends!).

I’m pissed off! It’s been a week and I ain’t received my ‘Paper Tiger’ stuff! No fair! But whence forth it arrives I shall be writing 2 u upon it!

I shall now tell you about my weekend. I got to T.G’s Friday night at about 7.45pm. The traffic down was terrible! It took an hour longer than usual. Didn’t do much that night.

On the Saturday morning we went to the sports/leisure club they belong to. T.G and her Dad to do aerobics (re my last letter) and her Mum and I to swim. We had lunch there (but the ruddy frozen yoghurt machine was out of order). Then T.G and I went shopping in Watford whilst her parents went to nearby Amersham to get a Camcorder (that reminds me: You’ve Been Framed is on in a minute.)

I got the gooorrrgggeous paper there. There are some really nice shops there, well, they’re nice ‘cause they sell Naf-Naf stationery.

A.G picked us up at about 4pm and took us back, we then played on the computer, fought with him and watched ‘Baywatch’.

We then had dinner and watched T.V. At about 8.15 her Dad decided to phone the cinema at St Albans to see what was on: My Girl and Blame it on the Bellboy. My Girl was scheduled for 8.20, film starting at 8.40 so we pegged it up there 90 mph, parked then ran to the cinema and got into the film just as it was starting. It was great, but really sad and I cried (It was rather ruined though by the Macauley Culkin Appreciation Society, sitting behind us. All the way through it, it was: aaaahhhh he’s so sweet etc.).
I’ll probably be going to see it again in Half Term with R.D and K.R. Another thing scheduled is R.D’s birthday dinner- a Chinese meal and we have to use chopsticks! Help me!

Anyway – back to my weekend. Got back from the cinema at about 11. Today her grandparents and great-grandparents from Brighton came down at around 11.30am for lunch and left at about 4.15 pm just as Mum and Dad arrived.
Anyway, when I arrived back I discovered that Mum and Dad, in my absence, had got a unit thing for my stereo.

I also got 2 more penpals. You see, I had my first ever 2 sent to me in September: Kylie and Cleopatra, but, they never replied. So I had to send their addresses back to get another 2. I better not write with this paper or they’re guaranteed not to reply!
I’ll fin this letter tomorrow. See yah!

(Stuck to letter Dairylea wrapper with the footnote: A Dairylea triangle wot Vic Reeves had stuck to his sleeve, 6-2 episode).

17-2-92

Hmmmmph, not a good start to the day! Last night I couldn’t sleep, so went into your room where I eventually ‘got off’ to sleep. At about 06.55 I went back to my room to put my stereo-radio on. All I did was press the ‘power’ button, and the bloody thing had suicidal tendencies: it fell off the shelf, luckily I caught it and Mum and I gingerly placed it on the floor! I had it all nicely tuned in and everything.
My ‘Paper Tiger’ stuff arrived (eventually) this morning. The seal stuff isn’t quite as cute as I had visioned but it’s still really nice. I may send for some more stuff, what about you?

For some unknown reason Bruno Brookes is doing ‘The Breakfast Show’ today. What a craphead! He’ll be throwing my routine! I can set my watch by the usual show you see:
7.11 : Headline News = Get Up
7.31 = News = Breakfast
7.39 = After News and 1 song = Hair & Make Up etc
8.20 = After ‘identikit’ quiz = Put on coats, shoes etc
And the stupid plapper is doing everything at different times!

Hiyah! It’s now 3.55pm and I’m sitting in L4 at QMC ready for Italian. Great fun! I can’t wait. Not much happened at school today except some punch up between a 4th and 5th year in the cake queue, since my stereo’s attempted suicide my day has got progressively worse, I am not in the mood for Italian. Roll on 5.30pm when I can pack up and go ‘ome, watch crappy Neighbours etc. Bruno Brookes carried on being a complete mong. I hope he ain’t doing it all week or I’ll change the habit of a lifetime and listen to 2 10fm! Or Capital! Maybe anyway. This, incase u didn’t gather is the seal paper, cute isn’t it?

Well, well, well Mum said you wanted to go out somewhere on the Saturday. Wherever we go K.R is coming as we have to get R.D’s birthday presents.

Still no reply from my Italian penpal, actually that’s most probably a good thing ‘cause I’ll have to write back in Italian.

Hmmmph 4pm, still no sign of Susanna. 15 mins ‘til lesson. In fact, nobody ‘cept me and Maria (a 17 year old) are here. Gahhhh here’s the teacher. Better go 4 now.

17-2-92 (still)
9.06pm

What a day! Whilst watching ‘Corrie’ the bloody dishwasher blew up! Now that ain’t working! Dad’s just about to fix the shelf to the wall so no more suicidal stereos!
Just seen ‘Mr Bean Rides Again’ which was rather crappy compared to the first 3 or 4 ever made. Then I watched Vicky Wood, taped on Friday.

Italian was v.boring. Only 6 people were present and then A, A and C all left early leaving 3 people! Aye well.

Aye, hopefully tomorrow will be better, it should be ‘cause I like the lessons; English, Social Ed, Maths, History, Double piss about (P.E)

Seee yah x

COMMENTARY:
As hinted in the letter this was written on various colours of neon paper. Explaining the fact I had added the following messages to the envelope: Government Health Warning: Very bright paper can seriously ruin your health and Free sunglasses aren’t provided to read this.
Not sure where the vitriolic remarks on Bruno Brookes came from. And was any film with Culkin in ever any good? Even to a 15 year old? Ah, the folly of youth.

Letter 15

25th February 1992

Dear A,

‘Ello! You would not beeeeellllliiiiiieeeevve what’s been going on in the back just there! There was Balthazar Getty and The Queen Mother having a Pot Noodle eating contest on a gondola, being watched by Haydn & Sophie from Home and Away and half the population of Croydon! Only jokin’…..or am I????

Weeeelllll, I suppose I’d better tell ye about my fan-dabby-dozy half term:

Monday (wrote Ol’ Kippers E.g Mr Kipling)

Well I went to town avec K.R we quite forgot to give any one a ‘wooooh’ instead we were referring to everyone as ‘sex on legs’ (more of that later), whilst on the bus I said to her: ‘So how much money have you got?’

‘I think I’ve got about 50p’ she said.

On closer inspection, she had only 9p! So it was up to me to buy the milkshakes in Burger King (have you had your burger?) before we went to get said drinks we went round some shops, saw a few people we knew… and a lot of people we didn’t (Quelle surprise) then we went to Burger King…and I’m very glad I did…

Ya see, we was seated upstairs in a ‘booth’ slurping at our milkshakes. K.R with her vanilla one e with my chocolate one. I was sitting so that as everyone came past I could see ‘em reflected in the wall mirror, thus making silly comments about them etc’. Well, two goooooooorrrrggggeeeeoooouuusssssss blokes came in and surprise surprise (it’s our Cilla!) they sat in the booth that was adjacent to ours. We were sitting down when they plonk their tray of burger and chips (D’ya want fries with that?) and start (OMIGOD!!!) attempting to chat us up!!! ‘Hello’ said the ‘Blonde one’ (Now to be referred to as B) K.R didn’t say anything while I just raised my eyebrows and tried to smile (not an easy thing to do when you have a straw in yer gob!)

‘We’re only being friendly’ said ‘the dark one’ (now to be dubbed as D).

Well, me and K.R just started cracking up, as one does in these situations!

‘Oh don’t get embarrassed’ said B…or was it D? I couldn’t really tell.

‘Want a chip?’ B offered me, waving some greasy thing in my face.

‘No thanks’ I said ‘I’m on a diet’ (lie lie).

Then D peered down into our booth (oooohhhh errrr) and said ‘Well you don’t need to be’ (lie lie).

After that, they didn’t really say much else (shame) except to each other they said ‘Which one do you want?’

Then, it was time for me to make my grand exit. Ya know those fliptop bins you get in burger places? The ones where you have to push the lid inwards and chuck your junk in? Well this one must’ve been rather full, coz as I tried to effortlessly stuff me milkshake carton in the bin and beat a hasty retreat down the stairs I heard the ‘musical’ sound of a milkshake cup falling out of the bin and falling onto the floor! Howwww embarrassing!

After that we went to Woolworths and then walked to the tech college where we were to meet K.R’s sister in the canteen so we could meet her new friends and see these 2 boys she’s always on about. We got there too early and rather than going in we stayed outside in the car park. And we were very glad we did… for a few minutes a later as were walking back towards the college we saw THEM/ yes it was B and D themselves in glorious Technicolor, this gave us a better look at their physiques and gorgeous eyes, faces, clothes, hair, shoes etc. At first they didn’t recognise us but as we had passed them one of them said, be it B or D ‘There’s that girl from Burger King’ then there was a shout of ‘Do you want a ride in my car?’ (how corny) and a wolf whistle. And that was the last we ever saw of them! Booo hoooo sniff sob etc.

Then we got to meet all of her sister’s friends. It’s really nice at the tech but I think I’ll still go to good old QMC.

We left there about 1.45 and walked to her boyfriend’s house in Worting Rd. A complete waste of time. He was in a foul mood and all we did was watch some crappy BBC1 afternoon T.V and play Monopoly. We left about 4.15 and walked to K’s and rang R.D. Then I went home to watch Neighbours and Home & Away then grabbed R.D’s prezzies and legged it over to K’s to get a lift to R.D’s and had a really good time there.

We scoffed a loooooaaddd of yummy Chinese food, infact; I did really well with me chopsticks! Then we watched Naked Gun 2.5 which was just as funny, if not funnier second time around.

Today (Tuesday) were really crappppp! Got up, washed hair, got dressed, ate brekkie, did Italian, watched T.V, went to town (library), came home, made a Pot Noodle, watched Home & Away, dossed about for 2 hours, had tea, watched Grange Hill and Neighbours, listend to the radio, watched some Vic Reeves, watched that Men Behaving Badly fing and now I’m typing to some loony. Better go as it’s about 10.20pm!

Sorry I’m not seeing you on Saturday, I really wanted to see the opera after all the hard work that’s been put into it, but I also want to see T.G, at least I saw you this weekend.

Love Rachel xxx

COMMENTARY:

Typed on Dad’s state of the art word processor! And sent in a Forever Friends envelope. Can’t believe how much detail I went into on the Burger King encounter. But I think that was the single most exciting and romantic encounter of my life at that time…

Letters to my Sister. Part 5: January – February 1992 Vic and the Mongs

Tags

Friends, letters, Memories, nostalgia, school, Vic Reeves

Letter 10

17/1/92

Dear A

What’s on the end of the stick Vic? Yes, what is?  We shall never know, personally I believe it is a picture of that well known celebrity; Judith Grant.

You’ll probably think we’re crazy, but S.H and I think VIC REEVES is really sexy and v.good looking.  No joke, I rrreeealllly dig him.  Did U C ‘ver’ Big Night Out last night? it were really good: Wavy Davy, The Stotts, The Ponderers, Les, Graham Lister etc were on, but! (shock horror) the forever friends bunny was not!!! Aaagggghhhh!

Anyway, I’m just recording The Queen CD 4 U.  7.13pm on a Friday night.  Hey! some greet ‘n’ grrooooovvvy ‘televisual feasts’ to come: Corrie St, Grace and Favour, that crappy You’ve Been Framed type thing ‘n’ Vicky Wood!!!

Something to put you off ever mentioning the name Mr Kipling: Mr Strickland was telling us about a holiday job whence as a lad of 19 he worked in the Mr Kipling factory – on ‘t’Fondant Fancies (yum, you’ll be thinking…hold your horses)  He said people used to spit, snot and put finger nails in the cream.  Yum yum yum.  That, I believe.  However, I do not believe what he said they used to put in the chocolate icing! (clue: it’s the same colour!)  Very tasteful I’m sure you’ll agree.

I’ll be back later, bye!

7.46pm

Yes it’s me, I’m back.  Well I haven’t much news 2 tell ya, I did give K.R a ‘woooh’ she laughed and returned the ‘woooh’ !

Hmmm as per an excitement free weekend, most probably go down town and do homework 2morra and jus’ ‘slop around’ on Sunday.  I would watch ‘Vic Reeves’ but I lent my video to S.M

Absolutely zilch happening at school (is there ever).  I got 4 more pen pals:

Katie – USA

David – Ireland

Delia – Italy

Marta – N.Zealand

Some girl (R.P) was apparently ‘pissed’ at school today, it was really funny.  Apparently she’d drunk 1/2 a bottle of vodka.  She was being really weeeeiiiird ‘n’giving everyone ‘Joe’ type huge smiles in French, at breaktime she fell over.  Next lesson she had was trampolining, bet that were a laugh!

8.20pm: Not bothering with ‘Grace and Favour’, its shite.  Instead watching ‘Watching’, just as crap.

Trying to read some more ‘intellectual’ books after sampling the delights of the marvellous, moving and exciting thrills of ‘Are you being served’, I’ve just started on ‘Cider With Rosie’ – sharp contrast or what?

Sorry, me handwriting is a bit crap, it goes like that when I use eine biro.  God this letter’s fascinating, but I really have NO NEWS whatsoever.

‘Neighbours’ is rather mongy really.  Chockful of mongs like Cody, Eric, Hadge and Marold etc.  Also a rather monglike affair is this ‘Caught in the act’ programme I’m watching (The ‘You’ve been framed’ type thing) very mongy – full ‘o’mongz.

Next Monday is going to be fantabulous: we’re having our tetanus and polio thingy, HELP ME!!!!

I expect the card from Zoe was one of those mong-type ones made out of paper – lovely

(on the next page is something that is bizarre and shameful….I have drawn a ‘person’ and it is a guide to How to spot a mong. Apparently this could be distinguished by:

– Naturally curly greasy brown hair

– NHS glasses

– Loony grin and buck teeth

– Treasured B.O smelling Inspector Gadget T-shirt

– shapeless grey bagaway Poundstretcher troosers

– trousers too short revealing white towelling sox

– black boots

Jesus. Wept)

Sat 18/1/92

Just viewed ‘Going Live’ with the monginess that is Phillip Schofield, I suppose you know he’s going to take over after Jason, every second second in ‘Going Live’ he makes some booorrrriiinnng reference to ‘Joseph…’.  What a mong.

Enough of this mongish letter, I think it is the crappest letter I’ve written in ages.  Sorry, I’m sure you’ll forgive me.

“See ya” (in the words of Wavy Davy)

Love Rachel

(also included is a postcard of Madonna – inscribed with: Hiya, you just wouldn’t let it lie! I mean a whole letter and you just had to mention the dippy duo, you just would not let it lie!  You lying get!  See ya)

Commentary:

Written on A4 lined paper in green biro. White envelope adorned with stickers and ink stamps.  And, bizarrely ‘letter to follow’ (?)

Yes…a very strange letter from me.  Peppered with numerous Vic Reeves references and worryingly an obsession with the word mong.  But, as the run down of what I was enduring on T.V that Friday night demonstrates: I was extremely bored!

Letter 11

24/1/92

Dear A

You would not BELIEVE what’s been goin’ on in the back round there!  There was Esther and Kevin from That’s Life counting up the number of peas in a tin of pean and ham soup, to see if they would make a nice necklace.  And later on we’ll be hearing from two whelks who have just joined Deacon Blue.

Yep, Vic Reeves reigns supreme!!!!! Goooooooorrrrrrrrrgggggeoussss!  GOOOORRRGGGGEEEOOOUSS! (if you didn’t see it 23/1 you won’t know what the f*** ‘gorgeous’ refers to, but if you did: Ayres Rock looks nice!)

Actually, I thought the thing about Mr Kipling was rather amusing, but then I have got a rather disgusting mind.

Yet another booooorrrrriiiinnnng week at Ricky Aldy.  On Monday ve haben our tetanus jab and our polio drops, I really wasn’t that bothered about the jab.  But after queing (I can’t spell) for ages I must’ve gotten really wound up coz I totally freaked out, nearly fainted and had to lie down for 10 minutes!  How embarrassing – But I missed most of physics!

Jus’ watching Vicky Wood.  V.funny! Now she’s singing a sing ‘avec’ a mong (I’m a poet and I don’t know it).

Mum mentioned something about a fondue party (ey -wait oop, this pen is mucking me around…) I hope it wasn’t the social disaster as parodied by Casper Jarrott,

Jus’ listening 2 a tape.  D’ya like Genesis ‘I Can’t Dance’ ? well good.  The video is grrreat an’ all.

I’ve just been perusing through all your old Looks magazines, well funny!  some of things people wore: Flourescents, bum bags, wappers, dungarees HA HA!

See ya! (also in the words of Wavy Davy) I’m off to watch Whose Line is it Anyway? Bye!

25/1/92

1.04pm

‘ello! Went to town aujourd’hui ‘n’ got a brown t-shirt for £3 instead of £7 from River Island.  Also, tried on some black jeans in Top Shop which were a measly £18, reduced.  I tried on a Size 12 which I was pleased to discover were infact too big.  I was not pleased to discover they hadn’t any Size 10s.  Hmmmm.  Another purchase was a new Pete Johnson book which looks really good.  We also went to the library following the mong Handbag Pete up the stairs! Worra mong!

Ooh yeh! Yesterday whilst in Sainsbury’s I saw Mrs Henze – did I ever tell you she’s left Ricky Aldy?  I don’t believe I did.

Later on Mum is going to London to see Aspects of Love, as I’m sure you already know.  So it’ll be just me from 3.30-7pm as Dad is in Clacton.  Ne-mind I have a gourmet meal consisting of a frozen ready meal (Sainsbury’s sweet and sour Quorn) and a Crème Egg, plus Baywatch, Blind Date and That’s Life to enjoy!

I’ll write again 2-morra! Bye!

wayhey! don’t get toooooo excited as you turn ze page

(stuck to the page is a floral patterned piece of loo roll and written underneath – Yep! there’s a pattern on the bog roll, now now calm down!)

26/1/92

‘Ello! By the way – do the Queen cassette and the enclosed beverages make up for the £1 I owe you?  It’s now 1.01pm since I spoke with you on ze ‘phone I’ve scoffed me lunch and re-organized my notice boards, taking away postcards from last summer and adding some gorgeous pix of Christian Slater and Keanu Reeves.  Speaking of Keanu I haven’t managed to go and see “Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey” (which is his latest film) oh well naturally a cutting about Vic Reeve is also a new edition.

“Oh Mr Songwriter!!! write me a groooovy and gorgeous and ‘crucial’ song like Fall at your feet (by Crowded House) make it a good song so I can listen to it on my stereo”

‘Eye oop ‘Eye down! It’s a month since Crimbo.  I can’t believe it! can ye?  I think I’ve lost my knack at writing good letters somewhere along the line, n’est ce pas?  I forced Mum into buying some Nagmolia liquid soap for the downstairs bog.  She obliged! I feel suicidal!

Bye, I must go.

Arriverderci + ciao + au revior + adios + piss off

Bye Rachel xxxxx

COMMENTARY:

Cream paper plus one sheet torn out of a lined jotter. Grey envelope adorned with stickers and ink stamps plus a biro drawn rosette: A Reeves & Mortimer production.

Sender proposes to be Rachbucket Rentamong.

I genuinely had a LOL at the description of my crazy Saturday night in.  Crème Egg, a ready meal and friggin’ Baywatch.  The patterned toilet paper was, I believe, a reference to a Vicky Wood sketch about The Brits and how we get excited if we have a pattern on our kitchen roll.

Letter 12

1/2/92

Dear Mong,

Hiyah!!! oooh you bugger! you wouldn’t let it llloooyyye!  Did they do it with pick-axes or their bare ‘ands?  I hope you watched Vic Reeves on Thursday otherwise yous won’t know worrimean?????!!!?????!!!????!! (?)

Not much has happened since I last wrote 2 U, let me think…dur, um…nothing way exciting occurred this week.  My new coat got rather dirtied when M.M decided she didn’t want her Munch Bunch Billy Blackberry yoghurt-jelly-thingymejig so she flicked a spoonful at S.H and at M.M, unfortunately S.H decided to wipe his skanky jacket on mine, thus skanking mine, its also got a circular mark on it where K.R thought it would be really hilarious to stick my coat to a chair a few weeks ago (yeh, really fooonnny!)

This paper is too nice to write on.

Today we went to Reading, firstly we went to the crappiness that is Basingstoke Town Centre, there was a stall (Placed outside Salisbury’s) selling toys, badges and T-shirts about anti-vivisection, banning bloodsports etc.  I bought a ‘ban bloodsports’ badge for a reasonable 35p and put my 15p change in the donations box.  There were also ‘sabs’ (saboteurs, if you’re not au fait with animal rights lingo) something I’d love to be, did you say Karen was a sab or am I imagining fingz?  Apart from being ‘done away’ with a la Kerry Bishop it’d be well good to be a sab.  Actually one of them looked like this (crude drawing)doesn’t she live next door to the Redstalls?  I think she’s the one with the sheep.

Anyway, we went to Reading on the 10.35 train, and went to the Heelas department store.  I had planned to get a Naf Naf notebook and folder but they didn’t have any! I ‘ad to settle for a Ton Sur Ton folder instead, rather dudy and another trendy French clothes make to boot.  We were gonna have luncheon at BHS, but decided it were rather crappy so went to… Hold your excitement… NORDSEE! (where fried fish is more fun) and scoffed a ‘Bremer’ – a poppy seed roll containing a cold fishcake, lettuce, fried onions and ketchup (sounds gross but it was scrumdidliumptious!!!)  I also got some Sock Shop socks and a ring from that really cheap jooolry thing (down the side street) we got back to Reading station at about 2.20pm just missed a train and had to wait for the 2.50pm, unfortunately a selection of immature mongs aged 12-15 from our school (the shame) were dossing about the platform smoking a pipe (it looked bloody pathetic, I might tell them) and ‘fags’ and climbing all over the joint ’til some British Rail employer told them to ‘Get the f*** out!’ – stooopid mongs. 2 of them are in my drama group.  Thankfully they didn’t get in our compartment.  Naturally they wanted a ‘fumeur’ and not a ‘non fumeur’ compartment.  We arrived back in Bazza about 3.15pm,  Dad picked us up at 3.45pm.  I got ‘ome scoffed some Oatsters, Diet Sprite and a Miklybar and read your letter.  And we went back to town at 4.30-5.15pm to get a teapot!  Its now 8.50pm and I’m watching ‘It’ll be alright on the night’.  4 crappy progs on tonight:

Baywatch – a bit crap

Blind Date – embarrassingly crap

It’ll be… – repeatedly crap

That’s Life – joooost crap

Better go ’til tomorrow!

2/2/92

It’s 11.06am on a foggy Sunday morning and Capital Radio are doing ‘3 from 1’ which means 3 tracks from 1 artist.  Today it’s A-ha.  They’ve played Take On Me and Manhattan Skyline has just begun.  I’ll enlighten you on the third track in a minute.  Mum is making peanut stroganoff and I’ve just made a yumbo dessert consisting of crushed digestives, tinned strawberries and strawberry fruit mousse (made with strawberry juice instead of water) Yummmeee.

Oh yeh, you must listen one Saturday at least to ‘Intimate Contact with Julian Clarey’ which is from 10-11pm, it’s very pervy, very sarky, very weird!  Oh yes, You are the one completes the thing on’t’radio.  I’ve now changed the station to Atlantic 252 coz they’re playing Everybody Everybody by Black Box which reminds me of Italy 1990 coz they always bloody played it dans l’albergo (oooh er lapsed into French/Italian there).  Answer to your question, Italian is getting on ok.  The annoying thing is lots of people skive, so when they finally decide to come back we have to go over the work we’ve already done and since they’re sooooo fick they don’t get it the first time and we have to do it x 1000000 til they do!!!  The guilty pair are L.R and E.C (whom we saw that time in Potters Walk before Crimbo).  I HATE E.C but L.R is really nice, like me, an extremely MAD VIC fan, another E E.M at Italian also likes Vic AND the lucky bitch went to see Vic Reeves Big Night Out live last year.  We said if, he probably won’t, he does another live show some time we’ll go and see it! triffic! cosmic!  ‘ope you’ve been watching Only Fools and Horses lately? funny, very funny.  I ain’t been watching Fry & Laurie.  I don’t like them I’m afraid.  One of them’s fat and stupid and the other is ‘ok yah public schooly’ I HATE ‘EM!!! I much prefer VIC REEVES!

I recorded ‘Cocktail’.  I shouldn’t think I’ll get to watch it for ages.

Change of pen methinks as this one has gone all funny.  That’s better, now maybe I’ll a bit neater.  Though it’s hardly advisable to write a good letter sitting on the floor, leaning on a notebook surrounded in  a sea of stationery and listening to a very mellow, slow n groovy Simply Red tune on’t’das radio.

May go to the cinema next Sunday, but I don’t know what to see.  Either: Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey (starring Keanu Reeves and Alex Winter) JFK (with Kevin Costner) My Girl (Macauley Culkin) or Blame it on the Bellboy (Patsy Kensit and Dudley Moore).  We shall see…

I shouldn’t think K.R has bothered 2 write 2 u yet!  Yesterday I spotted the Holbrook clan in Etams.  Yes, Mrs ‘It’s 25 to’, they didn’t see us.

I’ll finish this at another time and another dimension!

Bye.

2/2/92 1.56pm

Hiyah! I’m back again, I’ve just done some really exciting I.T project work.  It were great fun!

I’m back again.  I just pressed the wrong knob on my stereo and had to re-tune all my 24 pre-set radio channels: oh the agony!  V.annoying considering I did the very same deed last night and tuned ’em all in again last night!  May be seeing K.R later, such an exciting life I lead!  As regards to your chocolate drinks, they’ll be brought next week when we arrive!  You can send your next letter or give it to me personally.  The choice is yours.

Adios, Adidas, Au Revoir, Auf Wiedersehen (pet), Arriverderci and Goodnight!

Love, A Mong XXX

COMMENTARY:

Written on various pieces of pastel writing paper and in a Forever Friends envelope with ink stamps on.  Also written “Hello Hello Mr Royal Mail Man” and “Contains no preservative, flavourings, colourings or freebies”.

Oh dear, where to start with this one.  The trip to Reading was obviously a high point that warranted so much detail! I was obsessed with the label Naf Naf and spent all my pocket money on either the clothing or the stationery range.  Odd, as I am not really into labels now.  ‘Nordsee’ was a real blast from the past.  There are still branches in Vienna.  I did have a brief flirtation with being a ‘Sab’ – one which Mum sensibly vetoed.

I wasn’t wrong about not watching Cocktail for ages.  I first saw it in Autumn 2009 whilst on holiday in Thailand.

Quite ashamed to see my distaste for Fry & Laurie immortalised in this way… I don’t think they were that bad!  Also, the fickleness of youth: one week I was all over watching ‘Baywatch’ by the next letter it was branded as ‘crap’.